Couples can emerge out of quarantine stronger

RELATIONSHIPS aren’t my cup of tea; they’re more my favorite cocktail—sweet on the first sip, crisp and dry on the throat, and bittersweet at the end.

I thought of this metaphor in keeping with the times. It has been five months since the quarantine in Metro Manila and I have listened to a number of friends venting about their home situations over e-numans (virtual drinking parties). Being locked down with their partners sounded like another honeymoon in the beginning that has turned out quite the opposite. This is why In Touch Community Services Clinical Supervisor and relationships expert, Dr. Julian R. Montano, has been more in demand these days.

According to him, adults are generally stressed because of the uncertainties surrounding their families. Where mental space and time apart used to build excitement between partners, being constantly around each other can be suffocating, especially when each party needs time to cope with the many changes that are happening.

So how do couples cope with changes together? Dr. Julian suggests creating relational rituals like waking up together and mindfully kissing one another, and talking about each other’s plans within the day. Couples can also make it a point to spend 15 to 30 minutes each day just enjoying each other’s company without the need to problem-solve or talk about logistical matters.

And this is where it gets intriguing: Dr. Julian introduced the concept of “the third entity” as one way for couples to come out stronger out of the pandemic. (What???)

“There is the concept of “you” and “me” as the husband and the wife. The third entity is an independent living identity that is made out of this relationship,” he explained.

I was stunned.

So Dr. Montano continued, “The health of this entity depends on your dynamics and choices as a couple. It can be happy even if the two of you are sad. For example, you fought but you really want to work it out instead of hurting one another.”

Doing this takes mindfulness, which we previously covered in “The Truth About How Children Respond to Crisis.” Couples may practice mindfulness by being aware of their partner’s connecting efforts and making it a point to look for positive things when stressed. (The human radar has the tendency to spot the negatives under difficult situations.) 

“Remind yourself of the 3S that will nurture the third entity when you are stressed: self-care, self-regulation exercise, and self-soothing capacity,” Dr. Montano said in parting.

We may feel emotionally isolated during these times however, our experiences are so common that if we will bring them out through our stories and conversations, regardless if it’s over coffee, cocktails or nothing, we may realize that we are not alone in our feelings. 

May these expert tips from Dr. Julian stir, but not shake us.

​#InTouchStoriesofHope aims to bring you mental and emotional relief during the COVID-19 pandemic through the inspiring stories and perspectives of In Touch community of counselors, volunteers, partners, and clients.

Dr. Julian Montano specializes in marital and relational concerns, career planning and management, multi-cultural issues, mental toughness training, depression and anxiety, trauma, psychological assessment, and clinical supervision. He is a licensed Counseling Psychologist and he obtained his double Master’s degree in Social, Counseling, and Organizational Psychology from Columbia University, New York and his Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from De La Salle University - Manila. During his 20 years in the United States, Europe, and Asia, he served as a counselor, administrator, workshop facilitator, and consultant in different educational institutions. You may read more about Dr. Montano here.
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​Lisa is very pessimistic about the future. She feels the need to stock up for weeks of supplies and plan for every eventuality, including preparing a will. Mark is more optimistic and relaxed, he trusts that as long as they follow social distancing, it will all be okay at the end.
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​TIP: You do not have to convince each other of your point-of-view. It is important to accept and respect that each person has his/her own way of seeing things and coping.  An open and healthy discussion on what’s working for each of you helps in coming up with a doable plan for a more hopeful future.
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Jake and Ellen live in a small studio, and with Jake working from home, Ellen can’t avoid seeing and hearing him in meetings the whole day. She also needs to be extra careful not to create background noise. Ellen is getting tired of too much togetherness.
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​TIP: It is healthy to carve out a space of your own. Spending time for yourself and by yourself is just as important as spending time together. A balanced Me/We time appreciates the value of watching different Netflix shows as much as bonding over shared meals.
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Being cooped up at home makes Julian irritable and quick to snap. Myrtle feels that he notices everything that she’s doing and that she’s doing it all wrong.  Things like forgetting to disinfect the groceries or using too much cellular data.
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​TIP: Understand that these are very difficult times for both of you, which may bring out the worst in your partner, so try to be more compassionate and forgiving. We are not in normal times so it is to be expected that he/she isn’t his/her normal self. Adjustments have to be made by every partner to this new kind of normal.
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Now that Billy is working from home, he sees how Paula works all day to keep their home and kids healthy and safe. He always thought he was the one working hard to provide for their family, and now he realizes that both their contributions are valuable, just in different ways.
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​TIP:  Take the opportunity to show each other that you appreciate the little things that your partner does to make your life a bit better. Appreciation can be in words or deeds. A heartfelt thank you or a quick back rub will go a long way to make your partner feel noticed and loved.

Everyone expresses and responds to love in a different way. Dr. Gary Chapman presents a simple truth: relationships grow better when we understand each other.  
 
Here are helpful, practical examples of how you can build on your togetherness through the 5 languages of love even while in home quarantine.

Article based on “The 5 Love languages: How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate” by Dr. Gary Chapman.