​When I was a baby, my Nanay was working so she had my aunt take care of me. I loved her so much, I called her my Mama. When Nanay would fetch me from their house, I would hide and refuse to go home. I would go around, telling everyone that I am my Mama’s daughter. I had two wonderful mothers. Life was good. 

Several months ago, I lost my Mama. When I heard the news, the first words I uttered to my ate were: “Kay nano?” — Waray words that meant “Why?”. Absolutely nothing made sense at that moment. As far as I knew, Mama was healthy. She was supposed to live a long life, long enough so that she could see us be successful, long enough so I could make my promise of building her a beautiful house a reality. I never expected to lose her so early.

It happened during the start of the lockdown. I was in Bulacan, Mama was in Samar. All I wanted was to see her for the last time - but I couldn’t. I didn’t know how to grieve. How do you grieve for someone you deeply love when you couldn’t even be with her? Nothing felt real to me. There was no body to hold or weep to. In lieu of being in her funeral, all I got were photos of her inside the casket, sent through Facebook. It broke my heart. My Mama was dead, and I couldn’t even see her for the last time.  All I could do was cry.

It was really dark for days. I would find myself weeping in the most unusual spaces. I would be washing the dishes, and I would just tear up. I was a Clinical Psychology student so I knew about grief in theory — but being in the middle of all that was difficult. I reached out to friends. I talked to them about how great a person my mama was. It helped knowing that although my mama was gone, I could still share her goodness and lightness to the rest of the world. I also knew I had to forgive myself for not being with her for the last time, and to accept that when the travel restrictions are eased and I could finally go home, she would not be there anymore. It helped remembering the last time I was with her. It was a good day. I treated Mama and my cousins to lunch. It was far from the grand things I have always wished to give her when I become successful — but it was all I had. And mama was happy.

Even now, I still find myself feeling the pain as if it were all new. And maybe I would carry this pain with me for the rest of my life — but greater than this pain are my Mama’s love and memory. My mama who had a wonderful singing voice. My mama who loved karaoke so much, she would never let other people hold the mic. My mama who adored roses. My mama who liked sitting outside the house and just watching people pass by. My mama who used to tell me stories so I could fall asleep. Her love is one of the lightest feelings in the world — and I would carry that with me too. Always.

#InTouchStoriesofHope aims to bring you mental and emotional relief during the COVID-19 pandemic through the inspiring stories and perspectives of In Touch community of counselors, volunteers, partners, and clients.

Pat Villaseñor is a second year MS Clinical Psychology student at De La Salle University. For her undergraduate degree, she took up BS Biology from the University of the Philippines Manila. She has a diverse set of academic interests including community mental health, interculturally-competent care for refugees and migrants, and botany. When not studying, she pursues her passion for film by joining workshops and watching movies. Sometimes, she also bakes when stressed out. Pat is also an In Touch Mental Health Volunteer. Her ultimate dream is to become a clinical psychologist.
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Since the enrollment season started in June, I have encountered many parents who are extremely worried about how their children will cope with the changes brought about by the COVID-19 pandemic. Online communities are ablaze with petitions for tuition fee reduction and mounting concerns on well-being and safety. Privately, parents open up about their fears and frustrations about the uncertainty of the situation. Emotions can run high during these times.

I recently talked to Dr. Sue Estanislao, a counseling psychologist at In Touch Community Services, to seek solutions on behalf of parents like me who are caught up in the midst of a critical turning point in the global education system, and I was surprised by what she revealed to me in the beginning of our conversation.

“Children are like their parents’ mirrors,” Dr. Sue explained. “They reflect how we respond to crisis.”

Dr. Sue draws this conclusion from her nearly three decades of  counseling experience and research as an academic service  faculty at the De La Salle University Manila. According to her, children are generally more resilient than what adults give them credit for. They know how to cope through their own language and play; they can distract and soothe themselves.

Because of the Internet, most children now are more informed and sensitive to what is going on around them. The latter includes the behaviors that their parents exhibit during this crisis, which children have the tendency to model. Dr. Sue alludes to a popular Filipino saying, “Ang maling gawain ng matatanda nagiging tama sa mga bata. (The mistakes committed by adults become right in the eyes of children.)”

“But these are unusual times!” I told Dr. Sue. Parents are increasingly stressed having to work, tutor, and guide their children all at the same time while in quarantine.

“The key is mindful parenting,” Dr. Sue replied citing mindfulnessexercises.com  with a smile then walked me through a simple 5-step strategy for parents who are experiencing stressful situations now.

1 - STOP what you're thinking and doing 
This needs no explaining. Just decide to stop and take a moment.

2 - BREATHE and focus on your body
Breathe using the diaphragm, counting through four while inhaling and six while exhaling through the nose, and making three repetitions of the cycle. Another variation is the 4-7-8 breathing technique, which is to inhale for four counts, hold the breath for seven counts, and exhale for eight counts through the mouth in a whistle. (If you want to see how diaphragmatic works, look at this demo video by another In Touch counselor.)

3 - NOTICE what’s happening in your mind and body
Observe the thoughts and sensations in your body since you stopped and started breathing. What emotions are you experiencing? Are these static or changing?

4 - REFLECT on your hotspots
Some helpful questions to consider: a) What time of the day have you become emotionally unavailable to your children? b) What could be your emotional triggers to your reactions? Is there a story to the experience you are having?

5 - RESPOND accordingly and appropriately to the situation
Using what you have learned about yourself and your situation in the last step, what would be the most appropriate way for you to respond? Make a conscious decision on how to respond.

Living in borderless worlds where there are no longer boundaries in time, space, and the roles that parents have to perform can make parents become so reactive that they end up feeling exhausted. Practicing SBNRR technique on a regular basis until it becomes a habit may just be the key to guiding children through the COVID-19 crisis and the adjustments that everyone has to make.

#InTouchStoriesofHope aims to bring you mental and emotional relief during the COVID-19 pandemic through the inspiring stories and perspectives of In Touch community of counselors, volunteers, partners, and clients.

Dr. Susana “Sue” A. Estanislao is both a Registered Guidance Counselor and a Registered Psychologist. She has been in the counseling profession for  nearly three decades now helping children, adolescents, and adults deal with life challenges and mental health conditions. During her 40 years of employment at the De La Salle University Manila, she served as a Counselor, Administrator, Counselor Supervisor, Assistant Researcher, Evaluation and Testing Coordinator, Consultant, and a Teaching Faculty. She is now connected with the San Pablo Colleges, Laguna and St. Scholastica’s College, Manila where she teaches Psychological Assessment, Counseling Theories, Psychotherapy, Group Dynamics, and related subjects. Her research work focuses on Managing Psychological Distress, Depression, Suicide Prevention, Resilience, Counseling and Career Development, among others.

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