Welcome to the Philippines!
Manila and the Philippines welcome you to a new home here. We know that as you become accustomed to this bright, vibrant part of the world, you will find your own favorite parts to love. It’s wonderful to have you here as part of the diverse international community!
The stress associated with moving home, job and school can have an enormous impact on your well-being. Whether you are here with your family or flying solo, finding your place in a new town can take time, and sometimes a bit of support can make a big difference to how quickly you settle in and feel at home.
In Touch Community Services Inc. has 40 years of experience in helping people, and over that time they have developed a deep understanding of the challenges faced by expats moving to a new place.
The stress associated with moving home, job and school can have an enormous impact on your well-being. Whether you are here with your family or flying solo, finding your place in a new town can take time, and sometimes a bit of support can make a big difference to how quickly you settle in and feel at home.
In Touch Community Services Inc. has 40 years of experience in helping people, and over that time they have developed a deep understanding of the challenges faced by expats moving to a new place.
Counseling Services
In Touch offers counseling, psychotherapy and psychiatric consultation to address various issues concerning mental and emotional well-being. Our mental health professionals come from a diverse background and have expertise dealing with difficulties in childhood and adolescence, parenting and family matters, marital and relationship problems, stress and work-related concerns, grief and loss, transitional adjustment, substance abuse, domestic violence, trauma, as well as psychiatric cases.
Our counseling services are conducted under different service modalities such as face to face, over the phone or online / web.
Our counseling services are conducted under different service modalities such as face to face, over the phone or online / web.
Our Mental Health Professionals
Our professional team is composed of counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists and coaches with a wide variety of specializations. Their local and expatriate clientele spans across individuals, couples and families aged 3 years and older. They offer counseling in the following languages: English, Tagalog / Filipino, Visayan, French, Italian, Spanish, Japanese and German.
Confidentiality Concerns
All counseling sessions are strictly confidential. No information will be disclosed to anyone without your written consent except for life-threatening situations that will require intervention and support from the people who care about your well-being.
Mabuhay, Families!
Manila and the Philippines welcome you and your family to a new home here. We know that as you become accustomed to this bright, vibrant part of the world, you will find your own favorite parts to love. It is an amazing country and often surprises people with how quickly they fall in love with their life here.
Moving to a new place can present challenges to families. The stress associated with moving home, job and school can have an enormous impact on how each family member feels, and they may exhibit their stress in a variety of ways. Depending on the family situation, some members of the family will be more affected than others.
Whether you are planning to move or have already arrived, there are support systems available for you to access whenever you need help, whether it’s on your first day or months down the track. Since 1980, In Touch has been helping the community, and over that time they have developed a deep understanding of the challenges faced by families moving to a new place.
For those who like to do a bit of reading at their own pace, the following are some tips for settling into a new life away from your home country from one of our ‘seasoned’ expat volunteers moving with a family for the past 20 years.
- Slow Down: The feverish activity that is your life when you are preparing to move is incredibly draining for everyone, particularly the person who is charged with making all the arrangements and coordinating the whole production. Moving into a new place happens at a slower rate. Often there will be delays waiting for leases to be arranged, for shipments to arrive and for other necessities beyond your control. You can use this time to explore your new home, have fun meals as a family and become a ‘tourist’ in your new home town. This creates a pleasant bond between your family and your new home, and if you can approach it with a sense of adventure, the landing can be a happy one.
- Take your time: Every place does things a little differently and sometimes it can be difficult to understand the processes and timing. No matter how efficient or organised you are, sometimes there are unexpected delays and things don’t always go to plan. Breathe, smile and try again later.
- Find like-minded people: There are so many wonderful community groups both online and IRL that you can connect to here that can offer you information, support and confidence as you get to know your new home. School, work and the local community where you live will be a good start. You can find groups for a huge range of shared interests, and thanks to social media, these are not difficult to connect to. When you’re ready you can reach out and start to find ‘your’ people.
- Take a trip: When travel restrictions lift, and it’s safe to do so, begin to explore beyond your comfort zone. The Philippines has so many wonderful options for travel for all budgets, and wonderful experiences await the brave! It’s a fantastic way to connect more closely to your new home, benefit communities beyond the cities and create shared family memories.
- Be kind to yourself: From the basics like making sure you drink more (a lot more!) water and wear sunscreen to monitoring your mental health; when you relocate a family your health is crucial to the success of the move. It may seem like you need to take care of everyone else and get them settled before you can take a moment, but in reality, the opposite is true. Your family needs you to be in peak condition for them to settle in easily and feel comfortable. Just as the airlines direct parents to fit their oxygen mask before assisting minors, you need to take care of your needs so that you can care adequately for others.
- Get support when you need it: It can take courage to ask for extra support whether it is from a busy partner, colleague or an acquaintance that you don’t know so well yet. The good news is that at some point or another in this mobile life, we all have asked for some extra support or advice to get us through a confusing and difficult time. Sometimes there are things that you need help with that require an impartial and understanding ear as well as an assurance of confidentiality. This is available to you at In Touch Community services, and you can be confident that anything you have to say stays in the room. You can leave your worries at our door!
- Volunteer with In Touch! There’s plenty of ways that you can be involved in the great work we do. When you are ready, contact us and we can introduce you to a warm and friendly team of mental health advocates.
Here’s a list of what we offer at In Touch Community Services with quick links to more information when you need it:
information when you need it:
Crisis Line
Counseling
Volunteering
Workshops & Training
Corporate Support
Do you have any questions for us? We’d love to hear from you if you need any help or additional support as you transition to life here. Please email foreignliaison@in-touch.org
We hold coffee mornings, and in light of the current situation, these are now virtual. You can follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter (see details at the bottom of this page) for regular updates on upcoming meetings, webinars, etc.
For easy-to-follow and practical mental health-related tips for Coping during Covid, check in here https://www.in-touch.org/covid-19.html for general wellness tips and adjusting to the new normal.
Read about real inspirational stories of hope from our In Touch community to bring you mental and emotional relief during this pandemic. Look for #ITSOH (In Touch Stories of Hope).
We’re looking forward to having you join the community here very soon!
Welcome to Manila, Singles & Professionals!
It’s wonderful to have you here as part of the diverse international community, and we hope that you have hit the ground running as you explore all that this city has to offer.
Finding your place in a new city can take time, and sometimes a bit of support can make a big difference to how quickly you settle in and feel at home.
Since 1980, In Touch Community Services has been helping both foreigners and locals adjust to life’s challenges and work through issues that they struggle with. In that time, In Touch has developed a deep understanding of the issues that new arrivals face, and the team has been successful in supporting people into a healthier and happier life here.
We can help you with:
- Adjusting to a different culture and lifestyle
- Professional concerns
- Stress and anxiety
- Substance dependency
- Relationship issues
- Protecting your mental health
We can also assist with providing seminars and training for companies that want to develop healthy working environments and help the workforce manage stress. You may contact eapmanager@in-touch.org for more information. The team can also provide workshops for schools to benefit teachers and students. Contact us directly for more information on this service.
Do you have any questions for us? We’d love to hear from you if you need any help or additional support as you transition to life here. Please email foreignliaison@in-touch.org
We hold coffee mornings, and in light of the current situation, these are now virtual. You can follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter (see details below) for regular updates on upcoming meetings, webinars, etc.
For easy-to-follow and practical mental health-related tips for Coping during Covid, check in here https://www.in-touch.org/covid-19.html for general wellness tips and adjusting to the new normal.
Read about real inspirational stories of hope from our In Touch community to bring you mental and emotional relief during this pandemic. Look for #ITSOH (In Touch Stories of Hope).
We’re looking forward to having you join the community here very soon!
Expat Inspiration
Homecoming
BY: Riitta Laakso
In Touch Volunteer
For most people the word “home” might be the easiest one to explain, a safe and familiar place that really needs no explanations. For expats things get a bit more tricky - after years of moving around either with a simple suitcase or hauling a 40-foot container worth of “home” around the world this same word might cause a blank stare or a sudden feeling of sadness. How do we even define “home”? Is it a feeling? Surroundings, people, culture, a country?
Our youngest child was born in our own car while my husband was racing to the hospital, not even noticing that I pulled up a bundle from under my long skirt. That happened passing a petrol station and so we always showed him that place - recapturing this miraculous moment of his birth. When we moved back to Finland after six years of absence, a neighbor was talking about the place she is from. Our son was perplexed - “What does it mean, to be from somewhere?” The lady explained that it means the place where you were born and she asked him “So Pepe, where are you from?” “Oh me, I am from the petrol station!” was his natural answer.
We all say “home” when we speak about the house or the apartment we live in. But all of a sudden we ask each other “When are you going home?” meaning our country of origin which does not stop to amaze me, especially when people using this expression might have been living in another country for decades. I decided to look up the meaning for this humble word. Noun: “The place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household.” Fair enough. Adjective: “Relating to the place where one lives.” Simple. But how interesting, it is also a verb and albeit it is only used of animals - maybe it still talks to us: “return by instinct to its territory after leaving it” (a dozen geese homing to their summer nesting grounds). I know for a fact already that even if I have loved every single one of the six countries I have lived in, in my senior years I will be “homing” to Finland.
Twenty years ago I was rather inexperienced as an expat. I still remember how I was trying to understand my compatriots in Bangkok where we were living at the time. They were complaining after summer holidays in Finland that nobody was interested in their expat lives. I was wondering why people should be specifically interested in our lives and whether these unhappy ladies had been interested in the lives of their family and friends in Finland. For sure things were happening there as well, a lot of drama unfolding, joys and sorrows following one another. One does not even have to leave a place to have a most magnificent life! Think about author Mika Waltari who wrote the epic novel “Sinuhe the Egyptian” without ever setting his foot on Egyptian soil. What makes us think that only those who set sail for great adventures are worthy of listening to, and those who stay have nothing interesting to tell?
I am most certainly not a big fan of the proverb “Curiosity killed the cat.” I think being curious is one gorgeous thing! Even if our children are sometimes embarrassed and mumble: “Mom! You cannot ask such questions!”, honestly, to this date I have not met a person who would have been offended by my interest in them. I already know my story - my life gets ever more interesting when I hear other peoples’ stories. I think this is key to homecoming, repatriating as well. Can we try and approach it with the same excitement, eagerness to learn as a posting abroad? We can still share our experiences abroad, bring the flavours to the table, to special celebrations and be ambassadors for the country we just came from. But to expect people to even know the kind of questions they could ask, without having any idea how it was over there, “daaa?”
My 88-year old mother is a simple woman, rather uneducated as she had to leave her home in Karelia as a child when the then Soviet Union took over that part of our country. Her family was moved around Finland, staying with different families for different periods of time before they were given a place to stay. School was not really her cup of tea but she possesses inner wisdom that has led me to think of her as my mindfulness guru. Today it rains but after that there will be sunshine. Let’s have a cuppa and a nice sweet bun. I think her life has been rather happy - maybe because she has never tried to fit in, she has just been there, in that very moment. And every moment matters.
Gratitude. A commonly used noun that cannot be taken lightheartedly. It is the very essence of mental wellbeing - acknowledging the gifts one has received. And with that comes the mission, not impossible - pass it on. We expats are often showered with amazing moments and experiences that we can digest for a long time. When I am visiting my homecountry, filling the days - and nights! - with quality time with family and friends, I think of it as making jam. I preserve my “friendship jam” to be enjoyed throughout the time we don’t get to meet. I think this has been a powerful mental aid for me. The months before moving from a country I spend time with “good quality farewells”, usually with a lot of tears, saying goodbye to every nook and corner of my everyday life. I have comforted our children by saying that it would be awfully sad to leave without a tear because then you would not have had any good time at all. Better to know you have lived and loved and for a short time you will suffer for that.
I have returned to live in Finland three times in between our postings. Every time I am grateful it is still the one place where I don’t start from scratch. There is a big and warm lap welcoming us because I have really made an effort to keep in touch. I know the language, the food, the culture - although I might rebel against it more every time! Of course it is no Downton Abbey, all smooth and polished, but neither is my life anywhere else. I have a feeling we often fear repatriation, especially because we have heard all these stories about how darn hard it can be. Shoosh, you hear the horns? Let this be one joyful and beautiful homecoming!
BY: Riitta Laakso
In Touch Volunteer
For most people the word “home” might be the easiest one to explain, a safe and familiar place that really needs no explanations. For expats things get a bit more tricky - after years of moving around either with a simple suitcase or hauling a 40-foot container worth of “home” around the world this same word might cause a blank stare or a sudden feeling of sadness. How do we even define “home”? Is it a feeling? Surroundings, people, culture, a country?
Our youngest child was born in our own car while my husband was racing to the hospital, not even noticing that I pulled up a bundle from under my long skirt. That happened passing a petrol station and so we always showed him that place - recapturing this miraculous moment of his birth. When we moved back to Finland after six years of absence, a neighbor was talking about the place she is from. Our son was perplexed - “What does it mean, to be from somewhere?” The lady explained that it means the place where you were born and she asked him “So Pepe, where are you from?” “Oh me, I am from the petrol station!” was his natural answer.
We all say “home” when we speak about the house or the apartment we live in. But all of a sudden we ask each other “When are you going home?” meaning our country of origin which does not stop to amaze me, especially when people using this expression might have been living in another country for decades. I decided to look up the meaning for this humble word. Noun: “The place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household.” Fair enough. Adjective: “Relating to the place where one lives.” Simple. But how interesting, it is also a verb and albeit it is only used of animals - maybe it still talks to us: “return by instinct to its territory after leaving it” (a dozen geese homing to their summer nesting grounds). I know for a fact already that even if I have loved every single one of the six countries I have lived in, in my senior years I will be “homing” to Finland.
Twenty years ago I was rather inexperienced as an expat. I still remember how I was trying to understand my compatriots in Bangkok where we were living at the time. They were complaining after summer holidays in Finland that nobody was interested in their expat lives. I was wondering why people should be specifically interested in our lives and whether these unhappy ladies had been interested in the lives of their family and friends in Finland. For sure things were happening there as well, a lot of drama unfolding, joys and sorrows following one another. One does not even have to leave a place to have a most magnificent life! Think about author Mika Waltari who wrote the epic novel “Sinuhe the Egyptian” without ever setting his foot on Egyptian soil. What makes us think that only those who set sail for great adventures are worthy of listening to, and those who stay have nothing interesting to tell?
I am most certainly not a big fan of the proverb “Curiosity killed the cat.” I think being curious is one gorgeous thing! Even if our children are sometimes embarrassed and mumble: “Mom! You cannot ask such questions!”, honestly, to this date I have not met a person who would have been offended by my interest in them. I already know my story - my life gets ever more interesting when I hear other peoples’ stories. I think this is key to homecoming, repatriating as well. Can we try and approach it with the same excitement, eagerness to learn as a posting abroad? We can still share our experiences abroad, bring the flavours to the table, to special celebrations and be ambassadors for the country we just came from. But to expect people to even know the kind of questions they could ask, without having any idea how it was over there, “daaa?”
My 88-year old mother is a simple woman, rather uneducated as she had to leave her home in Karelia as a child when the then Soviet Union took over that part of our country. Her family was moved around Finland, staying with different families for different periods of time before they were given a place to stay. School was not really her cup of tea but she possesses inner wisdom that has led me to think of her as my mindfulness guru. Today it rains but after that there will be sunshine. Let’s have a cuppa and a nice sweet bun. I think her life has been rather happy - maybe because she has never tried to fit in, she has just been there, in that very moment. And every moment matters.
Gratitude. A commonly used noun that cannot be taken lightheartedly. It is the very essence of mental wellbeing - acknowledging the gifts one has received. And with that comes the mission, not impossible - pass it on. We expats are often showered with amazing moments and experiences that we can digest for a long time. When I am visiting my homecountry, filling the days - and nights! - with quality time with family and friends, I think of it as making jam. I preserve my “friendship jam” to be enjoyed throughout the time we don’t get to meet. I think this has been a powerful mental aid for me. The months before moving from a country I spend time with “good quality farewells”, usually with a lot of tears, saying goodbye to every nook and corner of my everyday life. I have comforted our children by saying that it would be awfully sad to leave without a tear because then you would not have had any good time at all. Better to know you have lived and loved and for a short time you will suffer for that.
I have returned to live in Finland three times in between our postings. Every time I am grateful it is still the one place where I don’t start from scratch. There is a big and warm lap welcoming us because I have really made an effort to keep in touch. I know the language, the food, the culture - although I might rebel against it more every time! Of course it is no Downton Abbey, all smooth and polished, but neither is my life anywhere else. I have a feeling we often fear repatriation, especially because we have heard all these stories about how darn hard it can be. Shoosh, you hear the horns? Let this be one joyful and beautiful homecoming!
The Rise of the Reinvented Expat Spouse
BY: Lisa Gibson
In Touch Volunteer
There was a time when the term “trailing spouse’’ came loaded with all sorts of negative associations, but these days, a growing
number of expat partners are putting a positive spin on things, by transforming themselves from trailing spouses into reinvented
spouses.
In a very serendipitous chain of events, their decision to follow their partners’ career abroad has resulted in a birth of their own. In
Touch counselor Aurelia Erivynn explains, “Sometimes the trailing spouse is leaving behind a job or career in their home country and, due to restrictions in the new country - such as language barriers and a difference in the recognition of qualifications - the spouse is unable to work. However, all is not bleak; typically, following a partner abroad invites a fresh perspective on how one sees oneself in the world and society. This can be an opportunity for mental, emotional and spiritual renewal, inviting a new and
different perspective into life from the previously mundane of the familiar. There is that existential quality that comes into play from
redefining who one is and what role one would like to contribute in the new society one finds oneself in. There can be some soul-
searching as one works to establish connections with other expats as well as with the locals. With these new experiences, a shift in personal perspective takes place that leads to the discovery of deeper meaning within the new society. There is personal growth in the form of exploring hobbies or volunteering in causes that one would not have otherwise considered living in one's home country, developed from the sudden shift in perspective and experiences. The result is a deeper meaning in the experience of self and relation with others.”
Moving abroad for your partner’s career doesn’t need to spell the end of the road for your personal or professional pursuits – but
rather, it could be the start of something new, exciting and fulfilling! A reinvention and the creation of a new identity could be just what you need after the upheaval of an international relocation!
So with this encouraging perspective in mind, we thought we’d share the personal stories of 3 ladies from within the expat
community on their individual reinvention journeys - how they adjusted to life in the Philippines as well as their personal tips for
taking care of their emotional well-being and mental health – so important now during these trying Covid times!
Christina Maningo – Owner and Founder at My Wellness
What brought you to the Philippines?
We moved to Asia in 2007 when both my husband and I were offered positions in Shanghai with our respective companies. After
three years, my husband was transferred to Singapore and I was more than happy to quit my high stress job, which was also not a good fit for me. We spent four years in Singapore where I made time for myself and focused on expanding my existing knowledge of health and well-being; becoming a yoga teacher in the process. It was something I loved and wanted to know more about - and of course - I wanted a career that was mobile.
In 2014 we moved to the Philippines where I continued with my studies in the field of functional movement and integrative nutrition
in order to understand health on a holistic level. In 2018, I became an Integrative Nutrition Health Coach and now I help time-starved women dealing with stress, fatigue and unwanted weight gain with the goal of rebalancing their bodies naturally, so that they can lead fulfilling and sustainably vibrant lives. It’s really rewarding knowing I’ve helped someone transform his or her life!
How did you cope with the initial culture shock moving here?
It was surprisingly difficult! My husband is of Filipino descent (raised in the US) so we both thought it would be an easy
transition - but it wasn’t. Even after having lived in Asia for seven years prior, it was still pretty tough, as each Asian culture has its
own nuances. I did, however, have the experience of dealing with new cultures, so that was quite helpful for adjusting to life here. I also didn’t try to ‘transplant’ my previous life into my new one, but rather adapted to the environment. Of course, it takes time to find your footing, but it can also be viewed as an adventure: learning about a new culture, customs and traditions, sampling the local food, exploring incredible places (like the islands!), and discovering the beautiful local handicrafts on offer, to name just a few things.
How did you know you were starting to feel settled and well adjusted?
When I felt like I knew where to shop for what I needed and when I started understanding how life is lived here - the much slower
pace of life as well as the idea of having staff. Also, when I was able to help people the way others had helped me in the
beginning!
What are indicators that you’re managing life’s challenges well?
Not needing a glass of wine at the end of each day! But in all seriousness, noticing that I’m not triggered or angered by the
things I cannot change and being able to accept the things I have no control over, and to embrace a new way of living. I’m not saying I never get upset when things don’t go according to plan, but now I’m more inclined to roll with the challenges, which not only helps in my everyday life now but will certainly equip me with the tools I’ll need for another international assignment.
If you notice that things are a little out of control and it’s getting to you, what do you do to get back on track?
I take a moment to breathe or move my body: taking a walk, going to the gym or doing yoga. It reduces the emotions and allows my brain to see the situation for what it really is and then I can move forward with a more appropriate action. I also try to do gratitude journaling as this helps me to see the benefits of this life experience and reduces any negativity.
Do you have any advice for expat spouses who are thinking about exploring a new career path while on expatriation with their
partner?
Just do it! You don’t have anything to lose. This is an opportunity to challenge yourself and since you have this allotted time, seize
the moment. Don’t let your monkey mind try to discourage you from taking action.
Do you have a “circuit breaker” activity that helps with managing stress?
Any kind of physical movement or changing space is my way of de-stressing. I like to go for a walk, do some stretching or yoga or
if I really need to release some tension, a more active form of exercise like HIIT.
What are a few of your go-to’s for self-care and improving your overall well-being?
For me, it’s about connecting to the things that nourish me, such as a hot bath or cold shower (depending on how I feel and the
weather), getting morning sunshine via daily walks, and doing meditation every day to clear my mind and set the tone for the rest
of the day.
What is it you enjoy most about living in the Philippines?
There are so many things but the main ones would be the friendliness of the people, the beautiful and diverse scenery that is
just a flight or short drive away, the weather (yes, I love the heat!), and access to beautiful handmade items made by local
communities.
Kimberly Fisher Horan – Co founder & Director of Sitara Vintage
What brought you to the Philippines?
My husbands’ job brought us to the Philippines 7 years ago. We left Australia in 2003 and have lived in six counties since then:
Netherlands, UK, Hungary, Qatar, Indonesia and now the Philippines. I’m a fashion writer/editor and did freelance work in most of the countries we lived in. Since moving to the Philippines, I started a fashion brand and had my daughter here.
How did you cope with the initial culture shock moving here?
I was lucky in that this was our 6th country move, so I felt like a bit of an expert by the time we got here! With each country we’ve
moved to, I’ve tried to immerse myself in the local culture in some way - that could be as simple as reading books about the country, meeting up with other expats or joining online groups. One thing I did when I moved here was to rediscover my love of musical theatre and I actually ended up joining an Atlantis Theatrical production, which involved a month of rehearsals (every single night) and a performance. I was the only non-Filipino member!
How did you know you were starting to feel settled and well adjusted?
I knew I was starting to feel settled once I’d found a good routine and was feeling confident in my ability to get the things done that I needed to. I think it takes a good year to settle into a new country.
What are indicators that you’re managing life’s challenges well?
Indicators that I’m managing life’s challenges well - and there are a lot of those in Manila - include my ability to keep a positive mind-set and being able to bounce back after a stressful day. I usually give myself an hour (or maybe two) to feel angry, sad or stressed. I tend to lock myself away in my room and read, have a bath or shop online.
If you notice that things are a little out of control and it’s getting to you, what do you do to get back on track?
For me, getting back on track means calming my mind down with some meditation. That could be a long walk or a nap! I definitely
tend to overthink things so just before the pandemic I did a mediation course over three days with a girlfriend. I’ve always been pretty bad at calming my mind, but I found it gave me the tools to help me manage those bad days better!
Do you have any advice for expat spouses who are thinking about exploring a new career path while on expatriation with their
partner?
My advice is: go for it! It’s the perfect time for a reinvention. I never thought I would start a fashion brand whilst living in Manila,
never mind seeing it stocked at Rustans! I also studied in the other countries we lived in as I felt it was a good time to think deeply
about what I wanted to spend my time doing long-term. I’d definitely recommend doing that if you have the opportunity.
Do you have a “circuit breaker” activity that helps with managing stress?
A long walk or taking baths are definitely my stress-busting activities. I’m the kind of person who needs quite a lot of downtime
if I’m feeling overwhelmed so I go for activities that recharge me.
What are a few of your go-to’s for self-care and improving your overall well-being?
I’m a big advocate for self-care. My main indulgence is a weekly massage. I’m also a fan of home facials, which have been a
godsend during the last few months!
What is it you enjoy most about living in the Philippines?
I love the people and the family-centric way of life here. I also really appreciate having house-help as it frees me up to focus on
my business. Of course, I love exploring all the islands here, so I just hope things continue to start opening up for travel!
Sarah McLeod - MD.Integrator at Q2 HR Solutions Group of Companies
What brought you to the Philippines?
I arrived in the Philippines with my hubby and 4 young boys, for his work, back in the late 90s. We came thinking it would only be for a year - little did we know that all these years later we would still be here! When we realized we were not actually leaving, I started thinking of some longer-term plans for myself. I decided to join the BWA (British Women's Association) on their committee, taking on the role of BWA President - I'm currently back on the same seat again after 15 years or so and loving it! Over the years that followed, I worked for a firm that offered relocation services and trips for newbies coming into the Philippines. My first part time but continuous role was with the Philippines Business Leaders Forum. It was through this experience that I met the owners of
Q2HRSolutions. I joined the company in 2008, and through the years of growing in the organization, am now running it as MD for
the group. My husband is now formally retired from the corporate world and I am now the reason we’re still here in the Philippines.
How did you cope with the initial culture shock moving here?
Initially we didn't really experience culture shock as we were too busy getting the children into schools and traveling on the
weekends. As we didn’t think we’d be here for more than a year, we also didn’t give it too much extra thought. We found the people here to be amazing, and I think we were a bit distracted by all the lovely beaches!
How did you know you were starting to feel settled and well adjusted?
I guess it was when I stopped thinking of the UK as home and instead started considering Manila as our new home. It also helped
when the boys started to make friends and go on playdates. Then when I found some ladies I could have a deeper connection with, that really helped me to feel more adjusted. We actually settled in pretty quickly and to be honest, I never really had much
homesickness as we were together as a family.
What are indicators that you’re managing life’s challenges well?
Being able to sleep! If I sleep well, then I am good!
If you notice that things are a little out of control and it’s getting to you, what do you do to get back on track?
I meditate daily, even if it’s just for 15 minutes, as I find it really centers me. Calling up a friend or family member for a chat and
having something to look forward to (like planning a trip) is sometimes what I need to feel back on track.
Do you have any advice for expat spouses who are thinking about exploring a new career path while on expatriation with their partner?
Talk with your spouse about why it is you want to work. It’s usually not about the money, but rather about finding a purpose and
meaning.
Do you have a “circuit breaker” activity that helps with managing stress?
I love diving (I feel like I can switch off when I’m under the water), going to the beach, socializing with friends and being involved with my foundation that I’ve been supporting for the past 20 years through various fundraising initiatives.
What are a few of your go-to’s for self-care and improving your overall well-being?
Spending a bit of time out in the sun, daily meditation, and staying in contact with friends and family abroad.
What is it you enjoy most about living in the Philippines?
Being involved in the various communities I am part of, the fact that my work is so fulfilling, and of course, both locals and expats
I’ve met along the way.
BY: Lisa Gibson
In Touch Volunteer
There was a time when the term “trailing spouse’’ came loaded with all sorts of negative associations, but these days, a growing
number of expat partners are putting a positive spin on things, by transforming themselves from trailing spouses into reinvented
spouses.
In a very serendipitous chain of events, their decision to follow their partners’ career abroad has resulted in a birth of their own. In
Touch counselor Aurelia Erivynn explains, “Sometimes the trailing spouse is leaving behind a job or career in their home country and, due to restrictions in the new country - such as language barriers and a difference in the recognition of qualifications - the spouse is unable to work. However, all is not bleak; typically, following a partner abroad invites a fresh perspective on how one sees oneself in the world and society. This can be an opportunity for mental, emotional and spiritual renewal, inviting a new and
different perspective into life from the previously mundane of the familiar. There is that existential quality that comes into play from
redefining who one is and what role one would like to contribute in the new society one finds oneself in. There can be some soul-
searching as one works to establish connections with other expats as well as with the locals. With these new experiences, a shift in personal perspective takes place that leads to the discovery of deeper meaning within the new society. There is personal growth in the form of exploring hobbies or volunteering in causes that one would not have otherwise considered living in one's home country, developed from the sudden shift in perspective and experiences. The result is a deeper meaning in the experience of self and relation with others.”
Moving abroad for your partner’s career doesn’t need to spell the end of the road for your personal or professional pursuits – but
rather, it could be the start of something new, exciting and fulfilling! A reinvention and the creation of a new identity could be just what you need after the upheaval of an international relocation!
So with this encouraging perspective in mind, we thought we’d share the personal stories of 3 ladies from within the expat
community on their individual reinvention journeys - how they adjusted to life in the Philippines as well as their personal tips for
taking care of their emotional well-being and mental health – so important now during these trying Covid times!
Christina Maningo – Owner and Founder at My Wellness
What brought you to the Philippines?
We moved to Asia in 2007 when both my husband and I were offered positions in Shanghai with our respective companies. After
three years, my husband was transferred to Singapore and I was more than happy to quit my high stress job, which was also not a good fit for me. We spent four years in Singapore where I made time for myself and focused on expanding my existing knowledge of health and well-being; becoming a yoga teacher in the process. It was something I loved and wanted to know more about - and of course - I wanted a career that was mobile.
In 2014 we moved to the Philippines where I continued with my studies in the field of functional movement and integrative nutrition
in order to understand health on a holistic level. In 2018, I became an Integrative Nutrition Health Coach and now I help time-starved women dealing with stress, fatigue and unwanted weight gain with the goal of rebalancing their bodies naturally, so that they can lead fulfilling and sustainably vibrant lives. It’s really rewarding knowing I’ve helped someone transform his or her life!
How did you cope with the initial culture shock moving here?
It was surprisingly difficult! My husband is of Filipino descent (raised in the US) so we both thought it would be an easy
transition - but it wasn’t. Even after having lived in Asia for seven years prior, it was still pretty tough, as each Asian culture has its
own nuances. I did, however, have the experience of dealing with new cultures, so that was quite helpful for adjusting to life here. I also didn’t try to ‘transplant’ my previous life into my new one, but rather adapted to the environment. Of course, it takes time to find your footing, but it can also be viewed as an adventure: learning about a new culture, customs and traditions, sampling the local food, exploring incredible places (like the islands!), and discovering the beautiful local handicrafts on offer, to name just a few things.
How did you know you were starting to feel settled and well adjusted?
When I felt like I knew where to shop for what I needed and when I started understanding how life is lived here - the much slower
pace of life as well as the idea of having staff. Also, when I was able to help people the way others had helped me in the
beginning!
What are indicators that you’re managing life’s challenges well?
Not needing a glass of wine at the end of each day! But in all seriousness, noticing that I’m not triggered or angered by the
things I cannot change and being able to accept the things I have no control over, and to embrace a new way of living. I’m not saying I never get upset when things don’t go according to plan, but now I’m more inclined to roll with the challenges, which not only helps in my everyday life now but will certainly equip me with the tools I’ll need for another international assignment.
If you notice that things are a little out of control and it’s getting to you, what do you do to get back on track?
I take a moment to breathe or move my body: taking a walk, going to the gym or doing yoga. It reduces the emotions and allows my brain to see the situation for what it really is and then I can move forward with a more appropriate action. I also try to do gratitude journaling as this helps me to see the benefits of this life experience and reduces any negativity.
Do you have any advice for expat spouses who are thinking about exploring a new career path while on expatriation with their
partner?
Just do it! You don’t have anything to lose. This is an opportunity to challenge yourself and since you have this allotted time, seize
the moment. Don’t let your monkey mind try to discourage you from taking action.
Do you have a “circuit breaker” activity that helps with managing stress?
Any kind of physical movement or changing space is my way of de-stressing. I like to go for a walk, do some stretching or yoga or
if I really need to release some tension, a more active form of exercise like HIIT.
What are a few of your go-to’s for self-care and improving your overall well-being?
For me, it’s about connecting to the things that nourish me, such as a hot bath or cold shower (depending on how I feel and the
weather), getting morning sunshine via daily walks, and doing meditation every day to clear my mind and set the tone for the rest
of the day.
What is it you enjoy most about living in the Philippines?
There are so many things but the main ones would be the friendliness of the people, the beautiful and diverse scenery that is
just a flight or short drive away, the weather (yes, I love the heat!), and access to beautiful handmade items made by local
communities.
Kimberly Fisher Horan – Co founder & Director of Sitara Vintage
What brought you to the Philippines?
My husbands’ job brought us to the Philippines 7 years ago. We left Australia in 2003 and have lived in six counties since then:
Netherlands, UK, Hungary, Qatar, Indonesia and now the Philippines. I’m a fashion writer/editor and did freelance work in most of the countries we lived in. Since moving to the Philippines, I started a fashion brand and had my daughter here.
How did you cope with the initial culture shock moving here?
I was lucky in that this was our 6th country move, so I felt like a bit of an expert by the time we got here! With each country we’ve
moved to, I’ve tried to immerse myself in the local culture in some way - that could be as simple as reading books about the country, meeting up with other expats or joining online groups. One thing I did when I moved here was to rediscover my love of musical theatre and I actually ended up joining an Atlantis Theatrical production, which involved a month of rehearsals (every single night) and a performance. I was the only non-Filipino member!
How did you know you were starting to feel settled and well adjusted?
I knew I was starting to feel settled once I’d found a good routine and was feeling confident in my ability to get the things done that I needed to. I think it takes a good year to settle into a new country.
What are indicators that you’re managing life’s challenges well?
Indicators that I’m managing life’s challenges well - and there are a lot of those in Manila - include my ability to keep a positive mind-set and being able to bounce back after a stressful day. I usually give myself an hour (or maybe two) to feel angry, sad or stressed. I tend to lock myself away in my room and read, have a bath or shop online.
If you notice that things are a little out of control and it’s getting to you, what do you do to get back on track?
For me, getting back on track means calming my mind down with some meditation. That could be a long walk or a nap! I definitely
tend to overthink things so just before the pandemic I did a mediation course over three days with a girlfriend. I’ve always been pretty bad at calming my mind, but I found it gave me the tools to help me manage those bad days better!
Do you have any advice for expat spouses who are thinking about exploring a new career path while on expatriation with their
partner?
My advice is: go for it! It’s the perfect time for a reinvention. I never thought I would start a fashion brand whilst living in Manila,
never mind seeing it stocked at Rustans! I also studied in the other countries we lived in as I felt it was a good time to think deeply
about what I wanted to spend my time doing long-term. I’d definitely recommend doing that if you have the opportunity.
Do you have a “circuit breaker” activity that helps with managing stress?
A long walk or taking baths are definitely my stress-busting activities. I’m the kind of person who needs quite a lot of downtime
if I’m feeling overwhelmed so I go for activities that recharge me.
What are a few of your go-to’s for self-care and improving your overall well-being?
I’m a big advocate for self-care. My main indulgence is a weekly massage. I’m also a fan of home facials, which have been a
godsend during the last few months!
What is it you enjoy most about living in the Philippines?
I love the people and the family-centric way of life here. I also really appreciate having house-help as it frees me up to focus on
my business. Of course, I love exploring all the islands here, so I just hope things continue to start opening up for travel!
Sarah McLeod - MD.Integrator at Q2 HR Solutions Group of Companies
What brought you to the Philippines?
I arrived in the Philippines with my hubby and 4 young boys, for his work, back in the late 90s. We came thinking it would only be for a year - little did we know that all these years later we would still be here! When we realized we were not actually leaving, I started thinking of some longer-term plans for myself. I decided to join the BWA (British Women's Association) on their committee, taking on the role of BWA President - I'm currently back on the same seat again after 15 years or so and loving it! Over the years that followed, I worked for a firm that offered relocation services and trips for newbies coming into the Philippines. My first part time but continuous role was with the Philippines Business Leaders Forum. It was through this experience that I met the owners of
Q2HRSolutions. I joined the company in 2008, and through the years of growing in the organization, am now running it as MD for
the group. My husband is now formally retired from the corporate world and I am now the reason we’re still here in the Philippines.
How did you cope with the initial culture shock moving here?
Initially we didn't really experience culture shock as we were too busy getting the children into schools and traveling on the
weekends. As we didn’t think we’d be here for more than a year, we also didn’t give it too much extra thought. We found the people here to be amazing, and I think we were a bit distracted by all the lovely beaches!
How did you know you were starting to feel settled and well adjusted?
I guess it was when I stopped thinking of the UK as home and instead started considering Manila as our new home. It also helped
when the boys started to make friends and go on playdates. Then when I found some ladies I could have a deeper connection with, that really helped me to feel more adjusted. We actually settled in pretty quickly and to be honest, I never really had much
homesickness as we were together as a family.
What are indicators that you’re managing life’s challenges well?
Being able to sleep! If I sleep well, then I am good!
If you notice that things are a little out of control and it’s getting to you, what do you do to get back on track?
I meditate daily, even if it’s just for 15 minutes, as I find it really centers me. Calling up a friend or family member for a chat and
having something to look forward to (like planning a trip) is sometimes what I need to feel back on track.
Do you have any advice for expat spouses who are thinking about exploring a new career path while on expatriation with their partner?
Talk with your spouse about why it is you want to work. It’s usually not about the money, but rather about finding a purpose and
meaning.
Do you have a “circuit breaker” activity that helps with managing stress?
I love diving (I feel like I can switch off when I’m under the water), going to the beach, socializing with friends and being involved with my foundation that I’ve been supporting for the past 20 years through various fundraising initiatives.
What are a few of your go-to’s for self-care and improving your overall well-being?
Spending a bit of time out in the sun, daily meditation, and staying in contact with friends and family abroad.
What is it you enjoy most about living in the Philippines?
Being involved in the various communities I am part of, the fact that my work is so fulfilling, and of course, both locals and expats
I’ve met along the way.
How to handle the transition of an international move
BY: Lisa Gibson
In Touch Volunteer
An international relocation is exciting, but it can also be a bit daunting, especially with so much to take into consideration – everything from where you will live and schooling options for the kids, to getting to grips with various aspects of a totally new culture. And, of course, add to this the additional stress of moving during Covid times with changing flight schedules and even cancelations, uncertainty about whether kids schooling will be online or face-to-face, and a host of other unknown variables. An international move suddenly becomes even more stressful than it already was!
Moving abroad for an expatriation usually involves a lot of adjustment. Preparing for the actual move is best tackled with lots of research and a calm and clear head. An open mind and a positive outlook can help with adapting to the initial culture shock.
Of course, there are also the emotional aspects of a move that are often overlooked. Moving is rated amongst the top 5 most stressful life events, along with divorce, death of a loved one, job loss and major illness. So, it’s crucial we take extra care of our emotional wellbeing and mental state during this time of upheaval. After all, how can we be there for our family if we ourselves are not coping?
As exciting as an expatriation is, it can also be fraught with challenges and unknown variables. One’s mental health and emotional wellbeing during such a major life change becomes even more important to consider.
You may be experiencing all sorts of emotions - from mourning the loss of your old life, to anxiety and fear about the future and how your family will adjust to life abroad. It can be a lot to process on your own. But you don’t need to do it alone when you have a support network like In Touch. As part of our focus on improving the mental health capacity of the communities we work in, we provide counselling services for anyone in need. We also offer a free crisis line service staffed by trained helpline responders made up of volunteers from diverse cultural backgrounds. So, rest assured you will find someone on the other end of the line who is both qualified and relatable to understand your circumstances.
To make things a bit easier, we’ve broken down the 3 main phases of a move and shared what we believe to be practical pointers for each stage of the transition process.
Before
On arrival
Now that you have arrived at your destination, your focus can shift to helping your family settle into the new environment. Transition can be a tricky thing to tackle, as you will probably be adjusting to a new culture and you may be finding some aspects of the new country challenging to adapt to initially. But view this as your opportunity to flourish outside of your comfort zone - and trust the process – things will get easier with time! Remember, it’s ok to ask for help when you need it. Emotional support is just an email or a phone call away at In Touch.
Ongoing
BY: Lisa Gibson
In Touch Volunteer
An international relocation is exciting, but it can also be a bit daunting, especially with so much to take into consideration – everything from where you will live and schooling options for the kids, to getting to grips with various aspects of a totally new culture. And, of course, add to this the additional stress of moving during Covid times with changing flight schedules and even cancelations, uncertainty about whether kids schooling will be online or face-to-face, and a host of other unknown variables. An international move suddenly becomes even more stressful than it already was!
Moving abroad for an expatriation usually involves a lot of adjustment. Preparing for the actual move is best tackled with lots of research and a calm and clear head. An open mind and a positive outlook can help with adapting to the initial culture shock.
Of course, there are also the emotional aspects of a move that are often overlooked. Moving is rated amongst the top 5 most stressful life events, along with divorce, death of a loved one, job loss and major illness. So, it’s crucial we take extra care of our emotional wellbeing and mental state during this time of upheaval. After all, how can we be there for our family if we ourselves are not coping?
As exciting as an expatriation is, it can also be fraught with challenges and unknown variables. One’s mental health and emotional wellbeing during such a major life change becomes even more important to consider.
You may be experiencing all sorts of emotions - from mourning the loss of your old life, to anxiety and fear about the future and how your family will adjust to life abroad. It can be a lot to process on your own. But you don’t need to do it alone when you have a support network like In Touch. As part of our focus on improving the mental health capacity of the communities we work in, we provide counselling services for anyone in need. We also offer a free crisis line service staffed by trained helpline responders made up of volunteers from diverse cultural backgrounds. So, rest assured you will find someone on the other end of the line who is both qualified and relatable to understand your circumstances.
To make things a bit easier, we’ve broken down the 3 main phases of a move and shared what we believe to be practical pointers for each stage of the transition process.
Before
- If a moving company has not been recommended or assigned to you, start asking around for reputable agents within your networks. You can also do your own research online. When it comes to choosing a removal company, it’s advisable to get a referral. A company that is experienced and competent to handle all aspects of an international move is key.
- At this point, you should have a list (or at least a general idea) of what you want to take with to the next destination, as well an outline of things you want to throw out or give away. Now is the time to declutter and simplify your life!
- Ensure all your important documents are in order and that you have digital versions for backup purposes, as well as photocopies of the documents you need to have in print format. Make sure you are up to date with all your taxes and close any accounts that you need to. Notify all relevant parties about your upcoming move.
- Involve your family in the moving process and start talking to your kids about what they could potentially expect on the other side. Prepare yourself and your family mentally and emotionally as much as possible beforehand. It’s a good idea to have regular family chats to help put any fears to rest and reassure your kids that any anxiety around a move is completely normal. Acknowledge the feelings that come up and try to create a sense of excitement and adventure around this new chapter in your lives!
- Start researching prospective neighborhoods and potential schooling options. Think about putting together a shortlist of residential areas where you might like to live, taking into consideration all the critical factors like where the office will be, where schools are located and, if it’s important, where the closest medical amenities are located. This way, once you arrive, you can start the search for a house/apartment in your chosen area straight away.
- Read up on the local culture and customs and start familiarizing yourself with the country, especially if there are any specific rules around social etiquette or religious aspects to be aware of upfront. This is where online resources and communities can be particularly helpful.
- It might be a good idea to do a quick online search to get an understanding of the grocery store and food situation where you will be moving. Once you arrive at your destination, you’ll be able to get a clearer picture of what’s available and where to get it when you’re actually “on the ground”.
- Medical matters relating to family members are important. Check what chronic medications you should try to bring with you. Familiarize yourself with the general state of medical care in your new home country and check what will be covered by your medical insurance.
- Request to join a few expat groups on Facebook where you can ask questions and get information before you even arrive in the country. This is a quick and convenient way to get a feel for the place you will be moving to and to ask any pressing questions – you never know, another expat might have just the input you are looking for or can, at least, point you in the right direction and refer you to where you can find out more on any particular matters. Like our Facebook page (In Touch Community Services) to receive updates on all things regarding mental health support and wellbeing.
On arrival
Now that you have arrived at your destination, your focus can shift to helping your family settle into the new environment. Transition can be a tricky thing to tackle, as you will probably be adjusting to a new culture and you may be finding some aspects of the new country challenging to adapt to initially. But view this as your opportunity to flourish outside of your comfort zone - and trust the process – things will get easier with time! Remember, it’s ok to ask for help when you need it. Emotional support is just an email or a phone call away at In Touch.
- Sign up with a few of the expat groups and associations on offer (there are plenty to choose from here in the Philippines) and start attending as many events, open days and coffee mornings as you can. You will find quite a few different types of expat groups, including specific interest groups, women’s groups, and various nationality-based groups. But it’s not only about having good social networks. You also need to give your emotional wellbeing some consideration. In Touch is a great organization when it comes to offering emotional support. Also consider getting involved with a few local groups, so that you don’t limit yourself to expat interactions only
- Say yes to every social invitation that comes your way and give an activity at least 3 three attempts before deciding if it’s for you or not. As a newbie, you might need to be more open-minded than usual – also keep in mind; you never know who you will meet through others. As they say, your vibe attracts your tribe but in order to find your tribe, you might need to be open and adventurous in the beginning!
- Put a routine in place straight away so that you can create some sense of normality for yourself and your family from the get-go. This can be as simple as working around the school run, gym, grocery shopping or planning family trips and outings on the weekends.
- Now that you are in the country, contact local estate agents to plan visits to potential neighborhoods. Perhaps you have already made up your mind on the house/apartment decision, or maybe you will be swayed once you start to see the options on offer.
- Get to know the city you will now be calling home. Arrange a mini cultural immersion as a way of getting a feel of your new surroundings. There are plenty of local tour guides and operators out there who can help you plan a tour of the city to various places of interest.
- If your shipment has not arrived yet, or if you are staying in a fully furnished place, buy a plant or a colorful piece of local art to give your space an instant homely touch.
Ongoing
- Keep yourself busy by getting involved in activities and local events and happenings. You could even start looking into taking up new hobbies now that you are more familiar with your environment. Consider volunteering your time or skills to a worthy organization. Sometimes the best way to feel part of a new place is to get involved with the local people and communities there. Why not consider volunteering with us here at In Touch? Visit https://www.in-touch.org/volunteer.html for more information on how you can give back and make a difference, alternatively you can send us an email at volunteer@in-touch.org
- Give yourself time to transition into your new life – and allow at least 6 months to get a feeling of some sense of normality. It can actually take up to two years to fully transition and acclimatize to a new country; so, don’t be too hard on yourself if you are still struggling with settling in!
- If you haven’t already heard about the concept of The Settlement Curve, you will find out sooner rather than later! You (along with members of your family) may experience that you oscillate between extreme highs and lows, and that this ebb and flow can change from day to day. Newly arrived expats are often on a major high, filled with the excitement and euphoria that comes with starting a new adventure in a new country. However, that initial feeling of exhilaration quickly subsides when the realities of everyday life set in, and the challenges of living in a new country start to arise. In Touch counselor Quito Hertz concurs, “Every expat will experience transition differently and in most cases, change doesn’t come easily as we’re all creatures of habit. Being willing to adopt an open and curious mindset can help cushion the process”. Bottom line is: Stay positive and be OK with the fact that you will have good days and you will have bad days. For those bad days, remember that support is just a phone call or email away, with the various services offered by In Touch. Be aware of the various stages of the settlement curve and write down or journal how you feel as the sensations surface – it could help you deal with the transition process, especially as you can go back and re-read your feelings at a later stage to reflect on how far you’ve come along in the process.
- Turn to the ones around you and talk it out if you need to. Family chats around the dinner table are a good start, so is calling up an old friend, or grabbing a coffee with a new one! Do you simply just need an impartial ear to listen to your concerns? Or a bit of objective advice to help you think more clearly? Our counselors are here for you and they most probably can relate to (or will have experience in dealing with) your kind of situation previously.
- You don’t have to do this on your own, as there are many others who have been through what you’re dealing with and can offer valuable advice or words of comfort and encouragement. You can refer to online resources like expat blogs and relocation websites to get some tips and helpful insights on how to make your transition period a little easier. You can also get in touch with one of our qualified In Touch counselors. Our team is experienced in providing support to newly relocated expats looking for emotional support during the initial transition period. Read more at https://www.in-touch.org/counselors.html
- Combine social networks with regular routines – such as school runs and after school activities, gym, coffee mornings, lunches, gatherings, volunteering, and even work projects and meetings. At the same time, don’t totally distract yourself with so many activities that you are unable to “deal” with what a transition entails. You need to take time to reflect on and process the impact of an international relocation and also acknowledge all the big changes in your lives as either a couple or a family.
- Explore a hobby you’ve always wanted to take up but never had the time or opportunity to pursue. Learn a new language, take up cooking lessons, enroll in an online course or consider studying again. If you can work, and this is of interest to you, start reaching out via networking events or organizations, and find out which are the best recruitment agencies out there for your line of work.
- Don’t forget to take stock and reflect on how far you have come. Check in with your family on a regular basis to gage their feelings, and ask them how they are finding things and how they are settling into their new routines.
- Always have something to look forward to, whether it’s exploring your new neighborhood, further afield in the region, or planning your next family summer vacation abroad. When we have occasions and events to get excited about on the horizon, it helps make all the difference!
- Try to be mindful about living in the present moment, don’t spend too much time thinking about the past or looking too far ahead in the future. Don’t wish away your time no matter how much you might want to (even on those really bad days when everything seems to be going wrong), because you risk missing out on meaningful moments and opportunities to learn and grow.
- Don’t lose sight of the reasons why you accepted your expatriation assignment and how it fits in with your long-term plans as a couple or family. Sometimes, reminding ourselves that discomfort in the short-term can result in great benefits in the long run, helps to give us the strength and encouragement to hang in there.
- It really helps to talk to and spend time with other expats who are in the same boat and whose situations are relatable to ours. This is the time to really lean on one another and bond over your shared experiences regarding the transition challenges.
- Think about all the ways in which you have grown as a person and the amazing things that living abroad has taught you. Get everyone involved in this exercise: have your kids write down on a piece of paper what they’ve learnt from the experience and put them inside a glass jar. One day, perhaps when you’re on your next assignment, you can open the jar and read through the pieces of paper together and realize just how much you’ve all evolved and gained from the experience!
Too bored to care? When motivation eludes you
BY: The Distracted Volunteer
In Touch Volunteer
I admit it – I am becoming a fan of distraction. Despite wonderfully colour-coded checklists of things that require my attention and time carved out for dealing with manageable tasks, there is a distinct lack of inspiration. Never has the need for reading (as a precursor for doing), or planning (rather than doing …yes, I am detecting a pattern) seemed more urgent. After all, one can’t be too prepared. Are you with me on this? Are you nodding in recognition, or tsking with regret at how easily I might be succumbing to a decadent pandemic routine?
Mildly alarmed at the risk of declining discipline, I consoled myself that feeling distracted is a common affliction. Apparently, our mind wanders for about forty-seven percent of our waking time, leading researchers to comment that it is the brain’s default mode of operation (yes, that was part of my recent, “urgent” reading1 ). I am pleased to say this fact moved me to immediate action, causing me to add “List of enthusiasm zappers” to my “to do” list. In case you too are similarly afflicted by mind wandering and in need of distraction over coffee, read on for thoughts on addressing fleeing inspiration and harnessing your focus.
Motivation zappers:
1. Being too busy
No, that wasn’t me being humorous. Our online multi-tasking and the changes necessitated by the pandemic can make us busier than we realise. Is there “down” time? Have we given ourselves permission to “switch off”? Since we might not be going out as much as we did a year ago, or engaging with others often outside of our home in person, we may have been doing more online, jumping rapidly from task to task and mentally processing information faster – even if we are sitting in one spot while we are doing it. Eventually, this busy-ness catches up with us and we find it hard to slow down and focus on other individual tasks for prolonged periods. Being aware of how much we are doing is a starting point. Ensuring we have relaxation time that allows us to slow down and take technology breaks is crucial.
2. Types of activities
If we avoid being too busy, how do we spend our time? Is it all consumed by work, errands, pandemic practicalities? Conversely, under the guise of relaxation, are we vegetating indefinitely with our favourite TV series and pushing ourselves into a prolonged, passive, uninspired state? When looking at what constitutes healthy living, health and wellbeing gurus point consistently to the importance of activities from which we gain genuine pleasure as well as those which include movement. Recommended habits sometimes (increasingly) include some type of meditation or spiritual practice to re-centre the body and mind. So, it seems that finding an equilibrium between practicalities and the quality of the quieter activities we choose is important.
3. Easy access to distractions
With many homes doubling-up as work, school/ study bases, our usual routines may have given way to more flexible daily structures where easy distractions abound. We may find ourselves drifting into other activities – think the fridge, TV, internet surfing and social media check-ins. Additionally, if we have been unable to create a clear, focused space for work or study tasks and if we have to share that space with other family members who are trying to juggle the same needs, the scope for wandering attention increases. Being aware of how we spend our time can be helpful. Making a deliberate effort to curtail interruptions by others and ourselves during time set aside for specific responsibilities or projects can help us to be more focused, less drained by potential distractions and feeling more positive about the task at hand. Examples of these interruptions include accessing more than one device simultaneously, reading each message as it arrives when we are concentrating on other activities and answering every call. Connected to this awareness is being organised, having manageable sized tasks, allocating specific time to complete jobs (especially where we suspect we will ignore them happily for as long as possible), sticking to those times and scheduling enough breaks to stave off boredom and fatigue.
4. Feelings
You may have worked out how to create a distraction-free, balanced existence – but you may be going through a bad patch (feeling sad, adrift, lacking in confidence, anxious, stressed) that seems to outweigh the enthusiasm you had previously for things you did. The reason for this can vary and pandemic circumstances may have caused your feelings to seem stronger than usual. As a starting point, be kind to yourself while you work out the space you need and what would help you most. If speaking to someone helps, chat to friends or family members with whom you are comfortable. If you would like to speak to a counsellor anonymously to gain perspective, In Touch Community Services can offer telephone appointments (see the contact details below). If you are having a particularly difficult moment and wish to speak to a trained mental health responder anonymously to get past the immediate moment, you can call the Crisis Line (that number is also below). Whatever you do, remember that when you are ready, you can take steps to move forward and to start shifting how you feel.
What next?
A helpful factor in addressing demotivation (whatever the cause) is self-care. Be kind with your words and thoughts – to yourself. The kinder your self-talk, the more likely you are to listen to yourself, recognise what might help you and not zone out with the first distraction you encounter. Rather than gratuitous indulgence and excuses that might make you feel worse, self-care is about awareness of your needs, kindness and self-responsibility.
Self-care examples might include taking a break, doing an activity you enjoy, a healthy habit (or two) that helps you to stay balanced, getting enough sleep, eating well, setting manageable (rather than ideal) goals. Self-care may even involve recognising the need to set boundaries for yourself to maintain an equilibrium between inertia and intensive activity. Starting with baby steps can have a cumulative, positive effect and help you to gain momentum.
In showing kindness to yourself, don’t forget to recognise what you have done and what is working around you. Cultivating a climate of positivity and reasonable (not just realistic) expectations can help to counter the gloom that descends when contemplating life from the “glass half full” perspective.
Prioritising yourself need not be a solitary act. You may choose to seek a helping hand if you feel you need support to move forward, particularly if you cannot see a way for your situation or perspective to change. Seeking support (from your family, social network, or a counsellor) can help you to think out loud and give you a new awareness that allows you to shift perspective and identify steps you might not have thought of previously.
Having prioritised this list (aka me) and taken time out to do it, I feel ready to pick up my coloured highlighters now and think about my next task. And you? What will your next step be?
1 A Wandering Mind Is an Unhappy Mind Matthew A. Killingsworth* and Daniel T. Gilbert (2010) - https://wjhwww.harvard.edu/~dtg/KILLINGSWORTH%20&%20GILBERT%20(2010).pdf
If you would like to speak to a counsellor in confidence, contact In Touch Counselling Services on (+63 2) 8893-1893 / 0917-863-1136 / 0956-053-4257. For urgent help, the Crisis Line’s trained responders are available 24/7 on +63 2 8893 7603/ +63 917 800 1123/ +63 922 893 8944.
BY: The Distracted Volunteer
In Touch Volunteer
I admit it – I am becoming a fan of distraction. Despite wonderfully colour-coded checklists of things that require my attention and time carved out for dealing with manageable tasks, there is a distinct lack of inspiration. Never has the need for reading (as a precursor for doing), or planning (rather than doing …yes, I am detecting a pattern) seemed more urgent. After all, one can’t be too prepared. Are you with me on this? Are you nodding in recognition, or tsking with regret at how easily I might be succumbing to a decadent pandemic routine?
Mildly alarmed at the risk of declining discipline, I consoled myself that feeling distracted is a common affliction. Apparently, our mind wanders for about forty-seven percent of our waking time, leading researchers to comment that it is the brain’s default mode of operation (yes, that was part of my recent, “urgent” reading1 ). I am pleased to say this fact moved me to immediate action, causing me to add “List of enthusiasm zappers” to my “to do” list. In case you too are similarly afflicted by mind wandering and in need of distraction over coffee, read on for thoughts on addressing fleeing inspiration and harnessing your focus.
Motivation zappers:
1. Being too busy
No, that wasn’t me being humorous. Our online multi-tasking and the changes necessitated by the pandemic can make us busier than we realise. Is there “down” time? Have we given ourselves permission to “switch off”? Since we might not be going out as much as we did a year ago, or engaging with others often outside of our home in person, we may have been doing more online, jumping rapidly from task to task and mentally processing information faster – even if we are sitting in one spot while we are doing it. Eventually, this busy-ness catches up with us and we find it hard to slow down and focus on other individual tasks for prolonged periods. Being aware of how much we are doing is a starting point. Ensuring we have relaxation time that allows us to slow down and take technology breaks is crucial.
2. Types of activities
If we avoid being too busy, how do we spend our time? Is it all consumed by work, errands, pandemic practicalities? Conversely, under the guise of relaxation, are we vegetating indefinitely with our favourite TV series and pushing ourselves into a prolonged, passive, uninspired state? When looking at what constitutes healthy living, health and wellbeing gurus point consistently to the importance of activities from which we gain genuine pleasure as well as those which include movement. Recommended habits sometimes (increasingly) include some type of meditation or spiritual practice to re-centre the body and mind. So, it seems that finding an equilibrium between practicalities and the quality of the quieter activities we choose is important.
3. Easy access to distractions
With many homes doubling-up as work, school/ study bases, our usual routines may have given way to more flexible daily structures where easy distractions abound. We may find ourselves drifting into other activities – think the fridge, TV, internet surfing and social media check-ins. Additionally, if we have been unable to create a clear, focused space for work or study tasks and if we have to share that space with other family members who are trying to juggle the same needs, the scope for wandering attention increases. Being aware of how we spend our time can be helpful. Making a deliberate effort to curtail interruptions by others and ourselves during time set aside for specific responsibilities or projects can help us to be more focused, less drained by potential distractions and feeling more positive about the task at hand. Examples of these interruptions include accessing more than one device simultaneously, reading each message as it arrives when we are concentrating on other activities and answering every call. Connected to this awareness is being organised, having manageable sized tasks, allocating specific time to complete jobs (especially where we suspect we will ignore them happily for as long as possible), sticking to those times and scheduling enough breaks to stave off boredom and fatigue.
4. Feelings
You may have worked out how to create a distraction-free, balanced existence – but you may be going through a bad patch (feeling sad, adrift, lacking in confidence, anxious, stressed) that seems to outweigh the enthusiasm you had previously for things you did. The reason for this can vary and pandemic circumstances may have caused your feelings to seem stronger than usual. As a starting point, be kind to yourself while you work out the space you need and what would help you most. If speaking to someone helps, chat to friends or family members with whom you are comfortable. If you would like to speak to a counsellor anonymously to gain perspective, In Touch Community Services can offer telephone appointments (see the contact details below). If you are having a particularly difficult moment and wish to speak to a trained mental health responder anonymously to get past the immediate moment, you can call the Crisis Line (that number is also below). Whatever you do, remember that when you are ready, you can take steps to move forward and to start shifting how you feel.
What next?
A helpful factor in addressing demotivation (whatever the cause) is self-care. Be kind with your words and thoughts – to yourself. The kinder your self-talk, the more likely you are to listen to yourself, recognise what might help you and not zone out with the first distraction you encounter. Rather than gratuitous indulgence and excuses that might make you feel worse, self-care is about awareness of your needs, kindness and self-responsibility.
Self-care examples might include taking a break, doing an activity you enjoy, a healthy habit (or two) that helps you to stay balanced, getting enough sleep, eating well, setting manageable (rather than ideal) goals. Self-care may even involve recognising the need to set boundaries for yourself to maintain an equilibrium between inertia and intensive activity. Starting with baby steps can have a cumulative, positive effect and help you to gain momentum.
In showing kindness to yourself, don’t forget to recognise what you have done and what is working around you. Cultivating a climate of positivity and reasonable (not just realistic) expectations can help to counter the gloom that descends when contemplating life from the “glass half full” perspective.
Prioritising yourself need not be a solitary act. You may choose to seek a helping hand if you feel you need support to move forward, particularly if you cannot see a way for your situation or perspective to change. Seeking support (from your family, social network, or a counsellor) can help you to think out loud and give you a new awareness that allows you to shift perspective and identify steps you might not have thought of previously.
Having prioritised this list (aka me) and taken time out to do it, I feel ready to pick up my coloured highlighters now and think about my next task. And you? What will your next step be?
1 A Wandering Mind Is an Unhappy Mind Matthew A. Killingsworth* and Daniel T. Gilbert (2010) - https://wjhwww.harvard.edu/~dtg/KILLINGSWORTH%20&%20GILBERT%20(2010).pdf
If you would like to speak to a counsellor in confidence, contact In Touch Counselling Services on (+63 2) 8893-1893 / 0917-863-1136 / 0956-053-4257. For urgent help, the Crisis Line’s trained responders are available 24/7 on +63 2 8893 7603/ +63 917 800 1123/ +63 922 893 8944.
Seeing 2020 clearly
BY: Julia Cope
In Touch Volunteer
If we can see an object clearly from a distance of 20 feet, we meet the criteria for 20/20 vision. The expression “Hindsight is 20/20” describes how we often look back and see where and how mistakes occurred that may have been avoided if all the facts were known. Nearing the finish line of the year 2020, some of us will be relieved to be moving past this year’s trials and errors. Many of us hope for a better year in 2021, but it’s probably wise to be cautious about our expectations.
This year has had more than its fair share of drama. When we review this year’s notable moments on December 31, we may be surprised by how much has happened, and how much we have already forgotten. That is the nature of memory -- holding on to some things and letting go of others, sometimes for protection, but mostly because current events demand it. There are definitely some real lessons from 2020 that we can all benefit from, but there are also minutiae which won’t help us move forward if we give it more attention than it deserves.
In our assessment of the 2020 experience, balance is important. It would be insensitive to deny the major negative impact of this year on a global level, with so many people having suffered a great deal through various challenges. For some people, though, there were small, very real and wonderful things that occurred on a personal level. The trick is to be clear about personal values in making the assessment for our own situation. Knowing what is really important to us and gauging whether the events of this year brought these into sharper focus, is one way to be balanced in our views.
As humans, our minds and bodies are designed to avoid pain and discomfort in favour of survival and security. It is natural to feel a strong desire to run away from bad situations and seek happier, more agreeable times. Retro TV, movies, recipes and nostalgia in general have boomed during this year, with many people seeking the comfort of days gone by, transported by their senses to a safer time. With some shallow digging, we can probably find some disturbing footage of events from past eras too. It is just that current challenges seem so much scarier than the ones we have already overcome.
There is so much from 2020 that has been overcome that can be celebrated. As in so many years prior to it, 2020 has delivered amazing results in just about every realm of human ingenuity. For a bit of a tour through the less widely publicised good news, I recommend this website. Its intention is for people to change the story inside their head about what the future holds by paying attention to the good things that have occurred, not only the bad. This change of focus can also help to identify joyful moments in our daily lives.
BY: Julia Cope
In Touch Volunteer
If we can see an object clearly from a distance of 20 feet, we meet the criteria for 20/20 vision. The expression “Hindsight is 20/20” describes how we often look back and see where and how mistakes occurred that may have been avoided if all the facts were known. Nearing the finish line of the year 2020, some of us will be relieved to be moving past this year’s trials and errors. Many of us hope for a better year in 2021, but it’s probably wise to be cautious about our expectations.
This year has had more than its fair share of drama. When we review this year’s notable moments on December 31, we may be surprised by how much has happened, and how much we have already forgotten. That is the nature of memory -- holding on to some things and letting go of others, sometimes for protection, but mostly because current events demand it. There are definitely some real lessons from 2020 that we can all benefit from, but there are also minutiae which won’t help us move forward if we give it more attention than it deserves.
In our assessment of the 2020 experience, balance is important. It would be insensitive to deny the major negative impact of this year on a global level, with so many people having suffered a great deal through various challenges. For some people, though, there were small, very real and wonderful things that occurred on a personal level. The trick is to be clear about personal values in making the assessment for our own situation. Knowing what is really important to us and gauging whether the events of this year brought these into sharper focus, is one way to be balanced in our views.
As humans, our minds and bodies are designed to avoid pain and discomfort in favour of survival and security. It is natural to feel a strong desire to run away from bad situations and seek happier, more agreeable times. Retro TV, movies, recipes and nostalgia in general have boomed during this year, with many people seeking the comfort of days gone by, transported by their senses to a safer time. With some shallow digging, we can probably find some disturbing footage of events from past eras too. It is just that current challenges seem so much scarier than the ones we have already overcome.
There is so much from 2020 that has been overcome that can be celebrated. As in so many years prior to it, 2020 has delivered amazing results in just about every realm of human ingenuity. For a bit of a tour through the less widely publicised good news, I recommend this website. Its intention is for people to change the story inside their head about what the future holds by paying attention to the good things that have occurred, not only the bad. This change of focus can also help to identify joyful moments in our daily lives.
Joy is different to happiness. There is a distinction between happiness as a state of being, and joy which is more of a moment of pure realisation and connection. Joy can be fleeting. Some of us strive for happiness on an enduring basis. We can take self-assessments on this to see how close we are to meeting that goal. Moments of joy shine like beacons during dark times, delivering hope and rewarding persistence.
When the decorations start to come down, the lights are turned off and the credit card bills menace our inboxes, the delightful distraction of the Christmas season will be gone and we will once again face more of the same stuff we have dealt with this year. There may be an impulse to rush around to try and make ourselves feel better. We could mark our calendar for all upcoming holidays, and get fully immersed in each celebration as it looms, but this would only distract us for a moment. These events are important traditions for us to appreciate and share, but they serve a greater purpose than keeping us entertained. Perhaps feeling better in the short term isn’t the ideal goal to focus on, it’s more about being clear about how to recognise joyful moments in our everyday life.
When we review the year that was 2020, we have the option to focus on positives and negatives. Alternatively, we can choose not to label anything as ‘good’, ‘bad’ or ‘ugly’ because that won’t really help us take personal responsibility for what happens next. What might help is taking what we have learnt this year and making some kind of commitment to improving the situation where we are. In an atmosphere of negativity, it can slip our minds that we can be a positive force in the world through our small actions multiplied many times.
Although it has been a very difficult year in many ways, let’s try not to label 2020 as anything. Taking time to notice the many positive outcomes of this year will allow us to take charge of our own story, and not feel compelled to ‘doom scroll’ through the opinions of others. Every year has disappointments, trials, mistakes, emergencies, drama and boredom. Inconvenience is part of the journey and some people face more of it than we will ever comprehend. Thankfully, if we look closely at our lives, we can see the joyful interludes that punctuate the dark and dangerous times, and this is what will help us through. We have the option to look back at the past and remember the best bits of that, or hunt for a perfect vision of future happiness; but finding something to be grateful for to celebrate right now will mean that the arrival of 2021 is simply another milestone, and not an anticlimax or a disappointment.
Thank you 2020 for the lessons and welcome 2021. We look forward to what you have to teach us.
When the decorations start to come down, the lights are turned off and the credit card bills menace our inboxes, the delightful distraction of the Christmas season will be gone and we will once again face more of the same stuff we have dealt with this year. There may be an impulse to rush around to try and make ourselves feel better. We could mark our calendar for all upcoming holidays, and get fully immersed in each celebration as it looms, but this would only distract us for a moment. These events are important traditions for us to appreciate and share, but they serve a greater purpose than keeping us entertained. Perhaps feeling better in the short term isn’t the ideal goal to focus on, it’s more about being clear about how to recognise joyful moments in our everyday life.
When we review the year that was 2020, we have the option to focus on positives and negatives. Alternatively, we can choose not to label anything as ‘good’, ‘bad’ or ‘ugly’ because that won’t really help us take personal responsibility for what happens next. What might help is taking what we have learnt this year and making some kind of commitment to improving the situation where we are. In an atmosphere of negativity, it can slip our minds that we can be a positive force in the world through our small actions multiplied many times.
Although it has been a very difficult year in many ways, let’s try not to label 2020 as anything. Taking time to notice the many positive outcomes of this year will allow us to take charge of our own story, and not feel compelled to ‘doom scroll’ through the opinions of others. Every year has disappointments, trials, mistakes, emergencies, drama and boredom. Inconvenience is part of the journey and some people face more of it than we will ever comprehend. Thankfully, if we look closely at our lives, we can see the joyful interludes that punctuate the dark and dangerous times, and this is what will help us through. We have the option to look back at the past and remember the best bits of that, or hunt for a perfect vision of future happiness; but finding something to be grateful for to celebrate right now will mean that the arrival of 2021 is simply another milestone, and not an anticlimax or a disappointment.
Thank you 2020 for the lessons and welcome 2021. We look forward to what you have to teach us.
Bring on the -ber months!
BY: Julia Cope
In Touch Volunteer
It’s August. The humidity rolls over us in a lazy wave before the rain pelts down and provides some relief before rolling away and making space for the next storm. In August, we usually see wet and crowded roads, shoppers sheltering under covered walkways and a kaleidoscope of umbrellas on the horizon. Normally, August brings back the routine of school, and the return of friends from their summers spent in faraway destinations signals the beginning of another bevy of events. This August has been different, and we all know why. Soon it will be September and the festivities of the -ber months will arrive.
I recall a moment last year when I was halfway through a rather bland shopping errand, when I looked up and saw the most enormous inflatable snowman. It was August 31, 2019, and it took me a few moments to process that the following day would mark the beginning of the festive season in the Philippines. That feeling brought me so much joy that it warms me to this day! For the uninitiated, the period between September and January is a full-on blast of festive fun. Families are reunited as some Overseas Filipino Workers are granted leave to return and bring their carefully-saved salaries back to share with those under their care. For Filipinos, gifts are exchanged between people irrespective of the closeness of their connection, such is their generosity of spirit. In my experience there really is no close competitor for the title of “Most fun place to spend Christmas” than the Philippines. Even the most hardened, Grinch-like festive season denier will be worn down here over time as the mood is so infectious.
I’ve been wondering whether things might be a little different than normal this year. I say that without a touch of sarcasm as my experience tells me that the resilience and fortitude of the Filipinos will not be dampened by our current crisis. There may be significant impacts, and these will be felt worldwide. It’s not over yet. With the reintroduction of MECQ and a long road ahead before the curve has flattened, we live in uncertain times. Although we don’t have a crystal ball to predict how things will be for the coming season and beyond, we can grasp each opportunity to turn the current chaos into the joy of the -ber months as we know them. We can help ourselves and those around us to experience a “Christmas Miracle” of sorts.
A big part of the festive season here is the traffic. Manila’s traffic is a grand dame: a diva with moods and demands that create all kinds of havoc. Christmas is a special time for these kinds of moods. Parties and events from September to January can run at break-neck speed and keep the most agile person gasping for air. It’s a lot of fun, but the exhaustion is real. So the combination of many places to be and bumper-to-bumper traffic is a threat to everyone’s sanity. I don’t anticipate that these kinds of problems will exist to the same extent this year. Despite the hassle, these events are a part of the festive season fabric, and without them, there may be a feeling of loss. It may be some time before we can mingle as in bygone days, so a substitute will need to be found. Although it has been wonderful for many things, Zoom cannot replace a Christmas party! This year, parties might be a lot smaller, limited in size and possibly even time-restricted. What do you need for a party? Good music, some food and drinks and a positive attitude can be a good start, and we can control all of those things in our own environment.
You could also try:
BY: Julia Cope
In Touch Volunteer
It’s August. The humidity rolls over us in a lazy wave before the rain pelts down and provides some relief before rolling away and making space for the next storm. In August, we usually see wet and crowded roads, shoppers sheltering under covered walkways and a kaleidoscope of umbrellas on the horizon. Normally, August brings back the routine of school, and the return of friends from their summers spent in faraway destinations signals the beginning of another bevy of events. This August has been different, and we all know why. Soon it will be September and the festivities of the -ber months will arrive.
I recall a moment last year when I was halfway through a rather bland shopping errand, when I looked up and saw the most enormous inflatable snowman. It was August 31, 2019, and it took me a few moments to process that the following day would mark the beginning of the festive season in the Philippines. That feeling brought me so much joy that it warms me to this day! For the uninitiated, the period between September and January is a full-on blast of festive fun. Families are reunited as some Overseas Filipino Workers are granted leave to return and bring their carefully-saved salaries back to share with those under their care. For Filipinos, gifts are exchanged between people irrespective of the closeness of their connection, such is their generosity of spirit. In my experience there really is no close competitor for the title of “Most fun place to spend Christmas” than the Philippines. Even the most hardened, Grinch-like festive season denier will be worn down here over time as the mood is so infectious.
I’ve been wondering whether things might be a little different than normal this year. I say that without a touch of sarcasm as my experience tells me that the resilience and fortitude of the Filipinos will not be dampened by our current crisis. There may be significant impacts, and these will be felt worldwide. It’s not over yet. With the reintroduction of MECQ and a long road ahead before the curve has flattened, we live in uncertain times. Although we don’t have a crystal ball to predict how things will be for the coming season and beyond, we can grasp each opportunity to turn the current chaos into the joy of the -ber months as we know them. We can help ourselves and those around us to experience a “Christmas Miracle” of sorts.
A big part of the festive season here is the traffic. Manila’s traffic is a grand dame: a diva with moods and demands that create all kinds of havoc. Christmas is a special time for these kinds of moods. Parties and events from September to January can run at break-neck speed and keep the most agile person gasping for air. It’s a lot of fun, but the exhaustion is real. So the combination of many places to be and bumper-to-bumper traffic is a threat to everyone’s sanity. I don’t anticipate that these kinds of problems will exist to the same extent this year. Despite the hassle, these events are a part of the festive season fabric, and without them, there may be a feeling of loss. It may be some time before we can mingle as in bygone days, so a substitute will need to be found. Although it has been wonderful for many things, Zoom cannot replace a Christmas party! This year, parties might be a lot smaller, limited in size and possibly even time-restricted. What do you need for a party? Good music, some food and drinks and a positive attitude can be a good start, and we can control all of those things in our own environment.
You could also try:
- Have a party in your village street in your front yard. Dress up, show up and have a fun time with your neighbors in sight but not on the same premises.
- Create a party message board in your building. Write a message that expresses your festive feelings towards your neighbors and all those who keep the wheels turning where you live.
- Make donations to hard-working organizations that need a boost right now.
- Provide some party ingredients for the people who help you and have made this difficult time a little easier for you.
- Double-down on the decorations. Don’t let the gloom of what can’t happen affect the things that can go ahead as normal. Trim the tree, put up those party lights and let the whole world know that Santa Claus is indeed coming to town!
The standard gift list in the Philippines is a bit longer than anywhere else I have ever lived. So shopping truly needs to start in September for that list to get covered by December 25. Lately, it’s been a little difficult to get out though. Online shopping is helpful but can be headache-inducing, and it doesn’t always give the same attention to smaller, local enterprises. Bazaars and markets are the stuff of dreams for an efficient attack on the Christmas list. Usually, there are so many, so often that it’s all handled on-time and on-budget. Again, we will need to find alternatives to our preferred shopping experiences, and this may make us wistful for the convenience of previous years. Either way, there’s a lot of small businesses and communities who have been cut off from their regular clientele. To help them, we may need to make a little extra effort.
Some alternatives to consider:
Travel may not be a viable option either. So many places are out of reach right now, and many of us are not feeling like the risk is worth it. Connecting to the many places we call home or to exciting destinations will have to wait a little longer. At this time of the year, this can be deeply upsetting, but we must have faith that this won’t go on forever and make the best use of this time of stillness.
Alternatives to international travel could be:
With the understanding that this year may be psychologically tough on all of us, it will be necessary to prepare ourselves for all these feelings of grief and loss that may arise over the -ber months. Even before the festive season arrives, these feelings of grief have accompanied the loss of friends who have repatriated suddenly, loved ones who have succumbed to COVID-19 (either here or in our home countries), as well as the financial and business implications of lockdowns worldwide. One thing that this crisis has driven home is just how interconnected we are, how dependent we are on each other for our well-being and how one small action can have enormous consequences: a ‘butterfly effect’ on a gigantic scale. If we are connected in adversity, then we are equally connected in positive circumstances. One small positive act from us could ripple throughout our communities and lead to a life on the other side of COVD-19 that is worth waiting for. What have we got to lose? Bring on the -ber months; I think we’re ready.
Some alternatives to consider:
- Seek out little-known artisans and local producers whose businesses will need a boost.
- Take the time to contact businesses you would normally support and buy what you can from them directly.
- Ask friends and neighbors to suggest alternatives to the big brand-name and franchise stores.
- Check out ‘DTI GoLokal!’ and ‘Kultura’ for responsibly-sourced Filipino crafts.
- Contact market and bazaar organizers for their list of regular traders if they won’t be able to run their usual events.
- Donate towards a charitable organization or community group in need of gifts.
Travel may not be a viable option either. So many places are out of reach right now, and many of us are not feeling like the risk is worth it. Connecting to the many places we call home or to exciting destinations will have to wait a little longer. At this time of the year, this can be deeply upsetting, but we must have faith that this won’t go on forever and make the best use of this time of stillness.
Alternatives to international travel could be:
- Finally sorting out all those photos and mementos from all the previous trips
- Sending cards and gifts by post to our loved ones with heartfelt and thoughtful messages
- Planning and budgeting where we would go next
- Planning and possibly visiting somewhere in the Philippines - staycations are restful!
- Giving household helpers extra time to travel home, especially if they have been unable to leave over the lockdown period
With the understanding that this year may be psychologically tough on all of us, it will be necessary to prepare ourselves for all these feelings of grief and loss that may arise over the -ber months. Even before the festive season arrives, these feelings of grief have accompanied the loss of friends who have repatriated suddenly, loved ones who have succumbed to COVID-19 (either here or in our home countries), as well as the financial and business implications of lockdowns worldwide. One thing that this crisis has driven home is just how interconnected we are, how dependent we are on each other for our well-being and how one small action can have enormous consequences: a ‘butterfly effect’ on a gigantic scale. If we are connected in adversity, then we are equally connected in positive circumstances. One small positive act from us could ripple throughout our communities and lead to a life on the other side of COVD-19 that is worth waiting for. What have we got to lose? Bring on the -ber months; I think we’re ready.
Resilience during the COVID-19 pandemic: Have you underrated your strength?
BY: The Distracted Volunteer
In Touch Volunteer
I might be forgiven for digressing in my recent quest to be a diligent parent. It started with an article on children’s resilience during the corona virus (Covid-19) pandemic (so far, so good). Within minutes, however, I became intrigued by related links. Before I knew it, I had started a multiple-choice resilience quiz, battling the urge to choose all answers to many questions. Aware that I might be losing the point of the quiz (I do take tests quite seriously), I paused to think about the idea of resilience instead. The resilience process and expat adjustment share similarities. In the current Covid-19 pandemic, how can our expat experience serve us?
As a starting point, what is resilience? There is no shortage of explanations out there for the everyday reader, like me, to absorb. The explanations are not all identical. Generally, though, they seem to boil down to maintaining balance during difficulties, adapting to challenging situations, persevering, and ultimately “bouncing back”. The idea seems to be maintaining a balance that, if it tilts, errs towards positivity. This balance can result from an interplay of psychological, social, cultural, and biological factors. The balance may even vary in different areas our life[1]. Interestingly, resilience can be learnt – it need not be something with which we are born[2].
Psychologist Rick Hanson[3] identifies a number of characteristics in resilient folks:
Hanson sees resilience as a process. He stresses that the focus is on identifying one’s inner strength, one’s inner resources in light of a particular challenge, and thinking about past experiences that have worked for us. We may reach out to professionals as part of this process. In Touch Community Services offers expert counsellors to fit individual needs and can assist with this process.
For many expats, this process may seem familiar. The adjustment required by relocation can make us look inward. Although expat travels can be an enriching adventure, there are the challenges of “expat grief”, adjusting to a new environment, functioning for periods of time with a limited or no network, and possibly dealing with additional difficulties or trauma while functioning in daily life. The balancing act requires adaptability and inner strength. Expats I have met who discuss adjustments, from the comfortably settled to the humanly frazzled, acknowledge that they have had to go through this experience. Ultimately, they use their knowledge of personal adjustment and past successes to move forward, sometimes resulting in a personal “new normal”.
The Covid-19 pandemic - with its uncertainty in many areas, ongoing changes, and the need to keep going - may seem reminiscent of the expat adjustment experience. There is the grief of letting go of the familiar and arriving in this new “location” of the new normal with many factors beyond our control, the added (sometimes new) responsibilities that threaten our sense of balance, and the never-ending availability of updates that highlight the challenges and risks of the current Covid-19 pandemic. To add to the list of challenges, many expats in the Philippines also have the uncertainty about their base or location. All of this can contribute to increased stress or anxiety. It is here that expat resilience, developed from repeated adjustments, may come in handy.
So, what inner strengths can expats use from their relocation experience during the current Covid-19 pandemic?[4]
1. Experience of getting through uncertainty and a sudden change
Unwelcome as this may be for some of us, the truth is that most of us have had to deal with uncertainties surrounding moves (including upcoming locations, school placements, departure dates, duration of stays abroad, and limits on frequent visits to friends and family elsewhere in the world). Additionally, we have had to respond to new situations on relocating that have required flexibility and stepping out of our usual comfort zones. We know that we have navigated uncertainty and changes before - a very useful starting point for uncertainties now.
2. Perspective
This is linked to the point above. Expats enjoy the richness of their diverse experiences abroad. However, relocation experiences are usually an upheaval. In addition to how we respond to uncertainties and sudden change, we have had to adopt a balanced view as far as possible. During the Covid-19 pandemic, this can be crucial to staving off worst-case-scenario thinking.
3. Communication
Expats understand that making connections is important. In the current Covid-19 pandemic environment, virtual contact is a helpful substitute for face-to-face contact – even if it is not as ideal as meeting in person. For many of us, this will be an extension of an existing virtual life with friends and family abroad. If you are rebuilding your network due to relocation or some other reason, see Julia Cope’s In Touch article Same, Same… but Different, which identifies steps to making meaningful connections.
4. Realistic expectations of situations, ourselves, and others
Expats are experienced with shifting circumstances around relocation plans, modifying expectations, and sometimes, not planning too far ahead. Linked to this is allowing space for self-care, self-kindness, and letting go (with the Covid-19 pandemic, this applies to plans rather than places).
5. The ability to recognise a new situation that may require a different approach
The effects of Covid-19 pandemic can go beyond daily inconveniences and the typical expat experience. For some, there may be an understanding of how to tweak past experiences or acquire new ones to manage. For many others, though, the strength may be their ability to identify the need for extra help in uncharted waters and the courage to reach out to a wider community.
So, back to that resilience test. The goal-oriented part of me resisted the urge to award myself a star (after all, picking all answers would have included the “resilient” options, whichever ones they were). The focus is more on maintaining a steady course, drawing on our experiences where we can, and reaching out for a helping hand if we feel the balance is not as positive as we would wish. For some of us, this may be the experience that makes us aware of how we are resilient – and that may include an initial imperfect response changing to a more ideal one. As expats, we are no strangers to that process.
For more information on well-being and mental health, you can find us on Facebook. If you would like to speak to a counsellor in confidence, contact In Touch Counselling Services on (+63 2) 8893-1893 / 0917-863-1136 / 0956-053-4257. For urgent help, the Crisis Line’s trained responders are available 24/7 on +63 2 8893 7603/ +63 917 800 1123/ +63 922 893 8944.
1. For the curious, see Pietrzak R. H, Southwick S. M. Psychological resilience in OEF-OIF Veterans: Application of a novel classification approach and examination of demographic and psychosocial correlates. Journal of Affect Disorders. 2011 - https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0165032711001959
2. Cheryl Sandberg & Adam Grant - Option B
3. Author of Resilient.
4. For additional reading on coping during Covid-19 pandemic, see In Touch’s collection of articles and messages -https://www.in-touch.org/covid-19.html#
BY: The Distracted Volunteer
In Touch Volunteer
I might be forgiven for digressing in my recent quest to be a diligent parent. It started with an article on children’s resilience during the corona virus (Covid-19) pandemic (so far, so good). Within minutes, however, I became intrigued by related links. Before I knew it, I had started a multiple-choice resilience quiz, battling the urge to choose all answers to many questions. Aware that I might be losing the point of the quiz (I do take tests quite seriously), I paused to think about the idea of resilience instead. The resilience process and expat adjustment share similarities. In the current Covid-19 pandemic, how can our expat experience serve us?
As a starting point, what is resilience? There is no shortage of explanations out there for the everyday reader, like me, to absorb. The explanations are not all identical. Generally, though, they seem to boil down to maintaining balance during difficulties, adapting to challenging situations, persevering, and ultimately “bouncing back”. The idea seems to be maintaining a balance that, if it tilts, errs towards positivity. This balance can result from an interplay of psychological, social, cultural, and biological factors. The balance may even vary in different areas our life[1]. Interestingly, resilience can be learnt – it need not be something with which we are born[2].
Psychologist Rick Hanson[3] identifies a number of characteristics in resilient folks:
- compassionate
- generous
- calm and mindful
- strong – displaying grit, resourcefulness, determination, persistence
- confident - in oneself and others
- courageous
- happy (for those of you raising an eyebrow over the idea of happiness during adversity, this is about gratitude for what is working in your life and the self-confidence that flows from resilience)
- motivated to keep going despite challenges
Hanson sees resilience as a process. He stresses that the focus is on identifying one’s inner strength, one’s inner resources in light of a particular challenge, and thinking about past experiences that have worked for us. We may reach out to professionals as part of this process. In Touch Community Services offers expert counsellors to fit individual needs and can assist with this process.
For many expats, this process may seem familiar. The adjustment required by relocation can make us look inward. Although expat travels can be an enriching adventure, there are the challenges of “expat grief”, adjusting to a new environment, functioning for periods of time with a limited or no network, and possibly dealing with additional difficulties or trauma while functioning in daily life. The balancing act requires adaptability and inner strength. Expats I have met who discuss adjustments, from the comfortably settled to the humanly frazzled, acknowledge that they have had to go through this experience. Ultimately, they use their knowledge of personal adjustment and past successes to move forward, sometimes resulting in a personal “new normal”.
The Covid-19 pandemic - with its uncertainty in many areas, ongoing changes, and the need to keep going - may seem reminiscent of the expat adjustment experience. There is the grief of letting go of the familiar and arriving in this new “location” of the new normal with many factors beyond our control, the added (sometimes new) responsibilities that threaten our sense of balance, and the never-ending availability of updates that highlight the challenges and risks of the current Covid-19 pandemic. To add to the list of challenges, many expats in the Philippines also have the uncertainty about their base or location. All of this can contribute to increased stress or anxiety. It is here that expat resilience, developed from repeated adjustments, may come in handy.
So, what inner strengths can expats use from their relocation experience during the current Covid-19 pandemic?[4]
1. Experience of getting through uncertainty and a sudden change
Unwelcome as this may be for some of us, the truth is that most of us have had to deal with uncertainties surrounding moves (including upcoming locations, school placements, departure dates, duration of stays abroad, and limits on frequent visits to friends and family elsewhere in the world). Additionally, we have had to respond to new situations on relocating that have required flexibility and stepping out of our usual comfort zones. We know that we have navigated uncertainty and changes before - a very useful starting point for uncertainties now.
2. Perspective
This is linked to the point above. Expats enjoy the richness of their diverse experiences abroad. However, relocation experiences are usually an upheaval. In addition to how we respond to uncertainties and sudden change, we have had to adopt a balanced view as far as possible. During the Covid-19 pandemic, this can be crucial to staving off worst-case-scenario thinking.
3. Communication
Expats understand that making connections is important. In the current Covid-19 pandemic environment, virtual contact is a helpful substitute for face-to-face contact – even if it is not as ideal as meeting in person. For many of us, this will be an extension of an existing virtual life with friends and family abroad. If you are rebuilding your network due to relocation or some other reason, see Julia Cope’s In Touch article Same, Same… but Different, which identifies steps to making meaningful connections.
4. Realistic expectations of situations, ourselves, and others
Expats are experienced with shifting circumstances around relocation plans, modifying expectations, and sometimes, not planning too far ahead. Linked to this is allowing space for self-care, self-kindness, and letting go (with the Covid-19 pandemic, this applies to plans rather than places).
5. The ability to recognise a new situation that may require a different approach
The effects of Covid-19 pandemic can go beyond daily inconveniences and the typical expat experience. For some, there may be an understanding of how to tweak past experiences or acquire new ones to manage. For many others, though, the strength may be their ability to identify the need for extra help in uncharted waters and the courage to reach out to a wider community.
So, back to that resilience test. The goal-oriented part of me resisted the urge to award myself a star (after all, picking all answers would have included the “resilient” options, whichever ones they were). The focus is more on maintaining a steady course, drawing on our experiences where we can, and reaching out for a helping hand if we feel the balance is not as positive as we would wish. For some of us, this may be the experience that makes us aware of how we are resilient – and that may include an initial imperfect response changing to a more ideal one. As expats, we are no strangers to that process.
For more information on well-being and mental health, you can find us on Facebook. If you would like to speak to a counsellor in confidence, contact In Touch Counselling Services on (+63 2) 8893-1893 / 0917-863-1136 / 0956-053-4257. For urgent help, the Crisis Line’s trained responders are available 24/7 on +63 2 8893 7603/ +63 917 800 1123/ +63 922 893 8944.
1. For the curious, see Pietrzak R. H, Southwick S. M. Psychological resilience in OEF-OIF Veterans: Application of a novel classification approach and examination of demographic and psychosocial correlates. Journal of Affect Disorders. 2011 - https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0165032711001959
2. Cheryl Sandberg & Adam Grant - Option B
3. Author of Resilient.
4. For additional reading on coping during Covid-19 pandemic, see In Touch’s collection of articles and messages -https://www.in-touch.org/covid-19.html#
Same, same... but different!
BY: Julia Cope
In Touch Volunteer
This Tinglish phrase can be used in a variety of situations, for example, to speed up a market deal or to gloss over a situation unworthy of detailed examination. It’s a useful expression that can be applied to many different contexts. It gently moves a situation along, causing no alarm or offense in its deployment.
‘Same, same… but different’ is also one way to describe expats as a group. Expats are a random selection of people brought together at the same place and time, coming to that juncture with a variety of experiences behind them. Some of us are rookies at our first rodeo, others have been on the circuit for many years, ‘seasoned’ by time and experience. The rites of passage for the expat are generally the same, but each person negotiates their way through a unique set of circumstances. Moving from place to place can be like shedding an older layer, only to replace it with new armour for unknown challenges ahead. At each posting, expats search for comrades to journey with them who will accept and understand, who will listen and advise, and who will be someone to share experiences with. Memories are created and meaning can be found in the occasional madness.
Sometimes friendships can be made very fast, when two people ‘click’, and their time and place collision is serendipitous. More often than not, patience is required as well as a lot of ‘putting yourself out there’ before a feeling of security amongst two people is established and the acquaintance becomes a friend. Making friends as an expat is very much an exercise in trial and error. It begins with a willingness to explore whatever is going on in town. This offers many chances to meet like-minded souls. From this starting point, a social life can be built. It’s definitely worth it to invest this time in order to avoid a very particular kind of loneliness best described by the following quotation:
“I am lonely, yet not everybody will do. I don’t know why, some people fill the gaps and others emphasize my loneliness.”
- Anaïs Nin
The situation can be more complex if a person has gone through events and experiences that have been traumatic. Emotions such as grief, anger, resentment and fear are powerful and can have enduring effects on an individual, particularly if they have not received help in processing these. In the pressure cooker atmosphere of expat life transitions, making and keeping friends can be challenging for the traumatised individual. It is sometimes hard to find people who can be trusted with the story of a traumatised person. This can make a person guarded, armoured and defensive; with the only safe option being to connect on superficial levels.
Some of our experiences as adults, and particularly as adult expats, expose us to stress levels much higher than the average person. This can be compounded by living in unstable countries or by family members who require specialist care. The list can be endless. Being an expat is not all G and T’s on the lawn. Taking the Life Changes Stress Test can be a revelation in just how much stress we are exposed to over the course of 6-12 months.
Feelings of isolation can creep into an expat’s closer relationships. Some family members and contacts will not be able to relate to the expat experience and the impact it has over time. An expat learns to withhold certain details, to not share for fear of ‘bragging’ or appearing obnoxious and to remain the same so that others are not embarrassed or offended. The problem is that withholding lived experience from those we love most can add stress, especially if those people have historically been sources of comfort. Partners, despite going through the transition together, can lose touch because they experience events in different ways. Without a genuine interest in understanding or respecting how the other partner is managing, resentment can emerge. Working in foreign countries can be challenging and confusing; not being able to work, for a skilled professional, can be frustrating and dull. A lot of patience, time and care need to be invested so that neither partner feels diminished by a relationship that is set adrift on the high seas. Similarly, children and parents, particularly during the teenage years, can become disconnected as the gap between ‘how it was in my day’ and the here and now, grows. Expat life delivers excitement and adventure, but there are risks associated with our relationships that we should be aware of to avoid becoming isolated from those we love most.
Nobody really knows you unless they know what you’ve lived through, and in the expat circle, that can be a tough expectation to have of people. Instead, the more realistic goal is to seek connection, described as:
“The energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”
- Brené Brown
For those seeking meaningful friendships and connections in a new place, this can seem an overwhelming task, though not impossible. Whether it’s with people we know and love, or with friends we haven’t met yet, there are a few common elements to creating connections as an expat:
1. Remain true to yourself and your values
As the great Oscar Wilde said, “Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken”. There is no need to adopt an alter ego in order to fit in and be the same as whatever crowd you find yourself in at a point in time. Authenticity is attractive and the closer you stay to your true personality, the faster you will find your tribe and true friends. Similarly, keep up those healthy habits, spiritual beliefs, hobbies and interests. Those are your unique and special qualities, and people will want to know about them.
2. Be Brave
Most long-time expats will admit that, although the nuts and bolts of moving around can become easier to manage, maintaining the energy and enthusiasm for meeting new people and engaging in the rounds of ‘speed-friending’ at coffee mornings and cocktail events can be difficult. As a starting point, look for the other scared and bewildered people in the room because there is a fair chance that there’s some common ground there and a safe place to launch your mission.
3. Take small steps in opening up and sharing with the world
Despite an intense urge to vent to a complete stranger about your current crisis, adopt a more mindful approach to sharing your thoughts. Some people are very open and understanding with the frustrations of this life, but not all situations are safe for you to do that. Protect your privacy and find alternatives to an open, social event where you can air any grievances. The reality is that as an expat we move in wide circles, and it's better to err on the side of caution until you are really sure that the listener will respect your views and maintain confidentiality. View the expat community as a small village, whatever the size of the city.
4. Trust your intuition
If you feel a good connection with a person, then make the bold move (see point 2) of seeking another opportunity to meet. If you feel comfortable then there’s a good chance that they are also feeling the same energy and it’s worth pursuing. Try not to be discouraged if it takes time to arrange or if plans fall through. Usually, it is through no fault of your own.
5. Allow yourself to be vulnerable when the time is right
The most meaningful relationships start when people feel safe enough to share what’s important to them. When it feels right for you, open up and share part of your story. This creates a safe space for the other person to do the same at their pace and can help develop friendships that last beyond a 2-3 year posting. See points 3 and 4 before you make your decision on where to start. Assess the reaction of the listener for indicators of their comfort with this information. Some friendships start on a superficial level and remain there for good reasons, and those relationships are to be respected as such. In the end, you really only need a few truly reliable friends to feel the benefit.
6. Take your trauma to the professionals
If you are living with unresolved issues and feel that these are impacting your mental health and relationships with others, there is help available to you. Contact In Touch Community Services to arrange a session with a counsellor with expertise that fit your experience. If you or someone you know requires immediate assistance; you can contact the Crisis Line.
7. Find safe places to share and learn with others
In those crucial early days, it can be hard to find out the things that everyone else seems to know already. Rather than exploding publicly in frustration, online or at a cashier, seek out quality sources of information. There are helpful online communities that routinely provide answers to general questions but be wary of exposing yourself or your family to too wide an audience. Be especially cautious about asking for too much from office staff where you or your partner is employed as you may become the unwitting focus of ‘tsismis’. If you take things slowly, you will find sources who are impartial, experienced and trustworthy for handling the issues you have. In time, you may choose to become a wise and reliable source for others and to help those who are struggling. If you have faced difficulties yourself, healing can be found in bringing others comfort and peace of mind. No matter the forum that we choose to share and learn in, we all have a role to play in keeping our interactions respectful and courteous.
Glancing across a room (or a Zoom gallery) of expats, it would seem that we are all generally the same. We laugh and joke, complain occasionally and get excited about learning new details and ‘secrets’ about our home-for-now. We are, in fact, very different people. Each of us brings our own history of wins, losses, trials and triumphs everywhere we go -- the unseen expat baggage. It’s part of us and it informs our decisions and interactions with others. By being patient, kind and supportive friends, we can share this wealth of experience with those around us to add value to our learning and lighten the load that we carry to the next place.
BY: Julia Cope
In Touch Volunteer
This Tinglish phrase can be used in a variety of situations, for example, to speed up a market deal or to gloss over a situation unworthy of detailed examination. It’s a useful expression that can be applied to many different contexts. It gently moves a situation along, causing no alarm or offense in its deployment.
‘Same, same… but different’ is also one way to describe expats as a group. Expats are a random selection of people brought together at the same place and time, coming to that juncture with a variety of experiences behind them. Some of us are rookies at our first rodeo, others have been on the circuit for many years, ‘seasoned’ by time and experience. The rites of passage for the expat are generally the same, but each person negotiates their way through a unique set of circumstances. Moving from place to place can be like shedding an older layer, only to replace it with new armour for unknown challenges ahead. At each posting, expats search for comrades to journey with them who will accept and understand, who will listen and advise, and who will be someone to share experiences with. Memories are created and meaning can be found in the occasional madness.
Sometimes friendships can be made very fast, when two people ‘click’, and their time and place collision is serendipitous. More often than not, patience is required as well as a lot of ‘putting yourself out there’ before a feeling of security amongst two people is established and the acquaintance becomes a friend. Making friends as an expat is very much an exercise in trial and error. It begins with a willingness to explore whatever is going on in town. This offers many chances to meet like-minded souls. From this starting point, a social life can be built. It’s definitely worth it to invest this time in order to avoid a very particular kind of loneliness best described by the following quotation:
“I am lonely, yet not everybody will do. I don’t know why, some people fill the gaps and others emphasize my loneliness.”
- Anaïs Nin
The situation can be more complex if a person has gone through events and experiences that have been traumatic. Emotions such as grief, anger, resentment and fear are powerful and can have enduring effects on an individual, particularly if they have not received help in processing these. In the pressure cooker atmosphere of expat life transitions, making and keeping friends can be challenging for the traumatised individual. It is sometimes hard to find people who can be trusted with the story of a traumatised person. This can make a person guarded, armoured and defensive; with the only safe option being to connect on superficial levels.
Some of our experiences as adults, and particularly as adult expats, expose us to stress levels much higher than the average person. This can be compounded by living in unstable countries or by family members who require specialist care. The list can be endless. Being an expat is not all G and T’s on the lawn. Taking the Life Changes Stress Test can be a revelation in just how much stress we are exposed to over the course of 6-12 months.
Feelings of isolation can creep into an expat’s closer relationships. Some family members and contacts will not be able to relate to the expat experience and the impact it has over time. An expat learns to withhold certain details, to not share for fear of ‘bragging’ or appearing obnoxious and to remain the same so that others are not embarrassed or offended. The problem is that withholding lived experience from those we love most can add stress, especially if those people have historically been sources of comfort. Partners, despite going through the transition together, can lose touch because they experience events in different ways. Without a genuine interest in understanding or respecting how the other partner is managing, resentment can emerge. Working in foreign countries can be challenging and confusing; not being able to work, for a skilled professional, can be frustrating and dull. A lot of patience, time and care need to be invested so that neither partner feels diminished by a relationship that is set adrift on the high seas. Similarly, children and parents, particularly during the teenage years, can become disconnected as the gap between ‘how it was in my day’ and the here and now, grows. Expat life delivers excitement and adventure, but there are risks associated with our relationships that we should be aware of to avoid becoming isolated from those we love most.
Nobody really knows you unless they know what you’ve lived through, and in the expat circle, that can be a tough expectation to have of people. Instead, the more realistic goal is to seek connection, described as:
“The energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”
- Brené Brown
For those seeking meaningful friendships and connections in a new place, this can seem an overwhelming task, though not impossible. Whether it’s with people we know and love, or with friends we haven’t met yet, there are a few common elements to creating connections as an expat:
1. Remain true to yourself and your values
As the great Oscar Wilde said, “Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken”. There is no need to adopt an alter ego in order to fit in and be the same as whatever crowd you find yourself in at a point in time. Authenticity is attractive and the closer you stay to your true personality, the faster you will find your tribe and true friends. Similarly, keep up those healthy habits, spiritual beliefs, hobbies and interests. Those are your unique and special qualities, and people will want to know about them.
2. Be Brave
Most long-time expats will admit that, although the nuts and bolts of moving around can become easier to manage, maintaining the energy and enthusiasm for meeting new people and engaging in the rounds of ‘speed-friending’ at coffee mornings and cocktail events can be difficult. As a starting point, look for the other scared and bewildered people in the room because there is a fair chance that there’s some common ground there and a safe place to launch your mission.
3. Take small steps in opening up and sharing with the world
Despite an intense urge to vent to a complete stranger about your current crisis, adopt a more mindful approach to sharing your thoughts. Some people are very open and understanding with the frustrations of this life, but not all situations are safe for you to do that. Protect your privacy and find alternatives to an open, social event where you can air any grievances. The reality is that as an expat we move in wide circles, and it's better to err on the side of caution until you are really sure that the listener will respect your views and maintain confidentiality. View the expat community as a small village, whatever the size of the city.
4. Trust your intuition
If you feel a good connection with a person, then make the bold move (see point 2) of seeking another opportunity to meet. If you feel comfortable then there’s a good chance that they are also feeling the same energy and it’s worth pursuing. Try not to be discouraged if it takes time to arrange or if plans fall through. Usually, it is through no fault of your own.
5. Allow yourself to be vulnerable when the time is right
The most meaningful relationships start when people feel safe enough to share what’s important to them. When it feels right for you, open up and share part of your story. This creates a safe space for the other person to do the same at their pace and can help develop friendships that last beyond a 2-3 year posting. See points 3 and 4 before you make your decision on where to start. Assess the reaction of the listener for indicators of their comfort with this information. Some friendships start on a superficial level and remain there for good reasons, and those relationships are to be respected as such. In the end, you really only need a few truly reliable friends to feel the benefit.
6. Take your trauma to the professionals
If you are living with unresolved issues and feel that these are impacting your mental health and relationships with others, there is help available to you. Contact In Touch Community Services to arrange a session with a counsellor with expertise that fit your experience. If you or someone you know requires immediate assistance; you can contact the Crisis Line.
7. Find safe places to share and learn with others
In those crucial early days, it can be hard to find out the things that everyone else seems to know already. Rather than exploding publicly in frustration, online or at a cashier, seek out quality sources of information. There are helpful online communities that routinely provide answers to general questions but be wary of exposing yourself or your family to too wide an audience. Be especially cautious about asking for too much from office staff where you or your partner is employed as you may become the unwitting focus of ‘tsismis’. If you take things slowly, you will find sources who are impartial, experienced and trustworthy for handling the issues you have. In time, you may choose to become a wise and reliable source for others and to help those who are struggling. If you have faced difficulties yourself, healing can be found in bringing others comfort and peace of mind. No matter the forum that we choose to share and learn in, we all have a role to play in keeping our interactions respectful and courteous.
Glancing across a room (or a Zoom gallery) of expats, it would seem that we are all generally the same. We laugh and joke, complain occasionally and get excited about learning new details and ‘secrets’ about our home-for-now. We are, in fact, very different people. Each of us brings our own history of wins, losses, trials and triumphs everywhere we go -- the unseen expat baggage. It’s part of us and it informs our decisions and interactions with others. By being patient, kind and supportive friends, we can share this wealth of experience with those around us to add value to our learning and lighten the load that we carry to the next place.
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